I just can’t get that other post out of my mind today, tylerpaul.wordpress.com I really love his writing style.
I thought of it today when Gabriel got on my last nerve… well almost the last. Earlier he knocked over my cold coffee all over him and the rug. That I handled pretty well. Then, while I was feeding him dinner, he insisted on trying to eat his soup with his fingers. I found myself taking a very deep breath, then I had a fleeting thought, “is this what I’ve come down to?” Then I thought of the post and of the sacrafice referred to. Pure love. It doesn’t seem like a sacrafice when it’s done with pure, unconditional love. I have a feeling that I will be thinking about these beautiful thoughts for a long time to come, hoping that when my son grows up, he will still have access to this blog. Yeah, I think I am also going to keep a written journal for his sake. I’ve got some other writings set aside for him, so this will be added to it.
The Drake just got home, so I’ll have to cut it short for now, but I plan on expanding on my thoughts here soon.
Right now, I can’t think of anything significant; but I look at my kid and wonder at the miracle that he is. I give thanks to God every day for trusting me with a life…. this life. So precious.
Yeah, sacrafice. Sometimes I feel isolated, but I do not regret giving up a personal life for Gabriel. That is the most amazing realization since I always loved my “me time”. Sitting in a nice deep chair with a cup of coffee or hot chocolate and always a book. Or, I was writing, or drawing, or doing crafts, or something. I had ALWAYS made time for me. Now, I still make time for me, but it’s harder to come by. It’s okay. Now, I jump on the computer when my kid slips into a nap. I’ll squeeze in a little knitting after parking at the park, after literally driving Gabriel to sleep. I get decent times alone, too. Like yesterday, we went to my sisters’ house and left him in her care whilst I went grocery shopping at her local A&P (I get my jollies from coupons). Then there was the Sunday that I left Gabe and Eddie alone for the afternoon while I attended Knit Out 2006 in NYC. It was great, but I spent the majority of the time traveling via subway…. still it was great. This was something that I wanted to do for 2 years now. But mostly, I love just sitting by a breezy window and either read or knit.
This is how my life is evolving, and it’s okay. Did I mention that I am an old new mommie? Must have. The best thing about it is that I have had my chance to selfishly live for me. Now, I willingly turn myself over to a life of, dare I say it, responsibility! As a matter of fact, I spent 43 years living for myself and I consider myself blessed for that opportunity, though it was not always a very happy time. But it had to be; I needed to grow and become who I am now before I could be capable of nurturing a little new life. Now I find that I’m still learning, though I still carry fantasies about retiring. I am blessed to have my life experiences behind me. A full arsenal, if you wish to think of it that way… and sometimes I do! I feel blessed that I know I will not hesitate to be open with my son and answer any question he puts to me. I did not have that luxury with my own mother.
Well, getting tired and cock=eyed.