I start with the above quote from her blog. This really grabbed hold of me when I read it today…. where deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet. I really like this. It feels right. God will always call us to a place where we can help others in whatever way they need to be helped. It could be a smile, or it could be a few words said just when they needed to be said. It’s this kind of thing that I get excited about. Every day miracles.
Pain is not something to shy away from. All pain is, well, painful. I learned early in life that there is no other option other than to ride the pain, physical, emotional, whatever. Eventually, I realized hey, I got through that… I am still alive. I, along with everyone else, has weathered a lot of pain throughout my life. You ask the question, “why?” If God was such a loving God, then why all the pain? What reason… there has to be a reason, right? I got into survivor mode. To survive, I needed to rise above the pain and look at it objectively. Once I could make it a part of me, acknowledge and accept it, I realized that nothing could touch me, or use that vulnerable part of me, against me. Cool. That was where it stood for a while until I started to get spiritual. There had to be more.
Somewhere along the line I recognized that, at times, I had a certain amount of empathy towards those who had experienced what I had. I would feel the urge, the need to do or say something to help. Now, though I always loved to write, I could not speak. I was a stutterer, meaning my brain would freeze and go blank; and any effort to verbalize would come out sputtering…. repeatedly. In fact, I was incapable of speaking. Silent, I bore this gift, this added dimension of “feeling” other’s pain as well as understanding it, within my boundaries.
Finally, I ventured forth, baring my pain- my raw self, sharing my own pain in an effort to have an effect…. to help. This happened when I joined a self help group for divorced and separated people. This was truly when my life began. I was literally transformed then… or I should say the transformation had started then. I grew. Now, I am a totally different person. I can finally articulate my thoughts. So, in striving to help others I am saved, myself.
There are many passages in the bible that bring me to this same spot, the place that I need to be. Unfortunately, I fail to recall specifically what they are… (don’t you hate that?) For me, the place that I need to be is right here. Ah, finally back to Naturalhigh’s post. She speaks about being called. I did fight my calling; but now I am here answering. I pray that He will find me worthy to be His vessel on earth. I will sometimes drift off into hymn lyrics and I will do so here:
“Hear I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go, Lord if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart.”~~~~ Hear I am, Lord
I know that I am called right now to mother a precious soul of the Lord, my Gabriel. I often wonder that God has found me worthy to have a baby. Wow. I must trust in the Lord. I question, but I always end by acknowledging that I am His vessel and that I must not hesitate to act; in this case, to bring up baby.
This is for The Mommy, at “Attempted Motherhood”, if she is reading. None of us are perfect. Yes, we bring our faults, our failings into our mothering. It’s okay. Being aware of it is the first and biggest step to parenting. Being conscious of what we want and what we don’t want is SO important. We have that unique perspective and we must somehow consciously use it for good and make our negatives into positives. Can we call it “creative mothering”? It can be done. We look at our babies and marvel that we are entrusted with them. What a blessing! Gabriel inspires me every day. I look at him and know that he deserves the best that I can offer… and sometimes he gets my own worst and that I cannot help sometimes. One of the miracles is that I now believe that I have a LOT to offer a kid, whereas before, I didn’t think that I had anything of value to offer. Well, I learned that I have MYSELF to offer and that is a great gift… for both of us!
I look at him and I am reminded that he will not always be this little baby. He will not always come running to me with innocence in his eyes…..
…but I will remember!