Sleeps Dark and Silent Gate
by: Jackson Browne

Sometimes i lie awake at night and wonder
Where my life will lead me
Waiting to pass under sleep’s dark and silent gate

I found my love too late
Running around day after day
Looking for the time to play
While my old friends slipped away

Never should have had to try so hard
To make a love work out, i guess
I don’t know what love has got to do with happiness
But the times when we were happy
Were the times we never tried

Sitting down by the highway
Looking down the road
Waiting for a ride
I don’t know where i’ve been
Wishing i could fly away
Don’t know where i’m going
Wishing i could hide
Oh god this is some shape i’m in
When the only thing that makes me cry
Is the kindness in my baby’s eye

Sometimes i lie awake at night and wonder
Where the years have gone
They have all passed under
Sleep’s dark and silent gate

I am in the music state of mind. I really love Jackson Browne’s mastery with song writing. His words are so simply straightforward, yet so profound. He really speaks to me. Spoke to me then, speaks to me now. Though I “am” in a happier frame of mind than he seems to be here, sometimes as I’m waiting my own turn to “pass under sleeps dark and silent gate”, I wonder where I am going, will I live to see my son become an adult? Yeah, I think about that. I think that if something really horrific happens to me, I’ve GOT to fight to live if just to make sure that my son has a mommie.

Sometimes I wonder if I also found my love too late, but then I remember that God’s time is all the time I need… unless He chooses to take me from my family to soon. Ugh, if that happens I know that life “will go on”, but my work here would be left undone. There is no one to take up the battan. My goodness, what a life that would be for a young kid. His dad needs to work long hours, and no family around us who would be able to take care of him during those hours.

Don’t worry. I’m not really getting morbid; but these are the things that I think about. I tend to be a realist. I naturally look ahead to different scenarios of my life and try to discern what will happen, what action I would take I guess as a sort of dry run to get it all down; but in this case, I couldn’t take actual action because I’d be on my way to another world. I wonder if I would even care about what goes on here on this plane, but I hope so. I would want to watch over my family.

Sometimes, recently, I lay awake in bed and wonder about being pregnant again. I really need to get to a GYN… Anyway, could be me going through changes… buuut… maybe I am pregnant. That event would not only bring joy, but a whole slew of other emotions and major risks. Oh man, can’t think about it now…. but I will. We’d love for Gabriel to have a brother or sister so that he will not be alone when we are gone. The fact is that we “are” starting out late and though our children have many cousins, NONE are geologically close. As a matter of fact, nobody in our families are close by. The closest is my sister, whose children are already adults and she is about 40 minutes away… not really that far; but she could not rear my kid(s) because she needs to work.

Why do I get like this? Can you be happy and still run all this kind of stuff through your head? I tend to think so, but the actual rummaging is still hard work cerebrally and emotionally.

Never mind.