Well, right now I am one (maybe more) bundle of nervous energy. I hadn’t been to have a check up since Gabriel was born and decided it was time. I should mention that I have other concerns. Like, I am over a year overdue to have a mammogram done. Well, I’m not so very overdue, but my mother and maternal grandmother had breast cancer, so it’s especially important for me. The other thing is that I suspect that I have arthritis and have noticed that the pain worsened after I took a cashier job at a major supermarket chain here in the Northeast USA. My mother also had diabetes, and I am high risk for it, so I need to have that checked. Fourth, but not least is that I could be prego… pregnant… AGAIN.

Funny, but it’s this last item that has me up at night, a nervous wreck. I should be in HAPPY anticipation mode right now, but I am worrying about it, as if it’s a life threatening proposition. Well, a pregnancy now means that I will have this potential child, and I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not a certainty yet, will be born when I am heading up to 47 years of age. Plus, with this (potential) pregnancy I could get not just gestational diabetes, but the permanent kind.

My DH would love another child and I really would, too, because Gabriel would have a sibling to grow up with. It’s important to the both of us that he, or any of our children, should be alone in this world after we are (really) gone. There are plenty of cousins around, but they are spread out over 4 states, most of whom are much older or adults. Am I really a crazy lady?

Had I been younger, I would have no such misgivings. It would be my second chance at feeling life inside me. I can’ even begin to describe that feeling of joy, amazement, peace, love, giddiness… all rolled into one. Who can resist having a little infant in ones arms? Not I. I would have a second chance at breastfeeding. I started with Gabe, but had to give it up after an operation I had to have after he was born. Everything was so overwhelming, I could not handle so let it go. Because my son was a preemie, I never actually got to have him at my breast, though I did pump for him while he was in the NICU. Still, I didn’t think that this experience would ever come my way again. I find myself actually trying to feel movement, but that is folly because if I “am” prego, I would not be more than 3 months along, if that. The sex doesn’t really matter. I mean, I would love a little girl, but I dread to think about a teen-aged girl, out of control, and how I would have to deal with that. A little boy would be nice, too. Gabriel can have a little playmate; but even as I think of this, I realize that these plans of mine hardly, if ever, work out as you lay them.

Of course, then there is the “other” consideration. There could be a hormonal problem interfering with my cycles. Wouldn’t be the first time, either. I even had a doctor tell me one time that I was incapable of having children. His name was Dr. Love… and I am not kidding. I had gone to him looking for birth control, something I had no experience with; and he had tests done on my hormones. He was actually trying to convince me to have a baby “now” because I was getting “older”. I have no idea what his deal was because I came to him looking totally in the other direction. I didn’t even have a boyfriend at the time. Oh, I had just met DH and I knew that we were going to get serious, but that had not happened yet. This guy was actually urging me to get pregnant even though I was not in a serious relationship, let alone not married. I suspect he was trying to drum up additional business! Anyway… he said that I could not get pregnant because my hormones were very low. So, going with that and the fact that we did not even find Gabriel in there until I was almost 7 months along, I would say that I have a problem with low hormone levels.

A big-time worry, though, is the higher risk of chromosomal defects. I would need an amniocentesis done (again). That was the worst part of Gabriel’s pregnancy. Not so much the procedure, but the anticipation of it and getting the results. We do not believe in abortion. Both of us, could not bear the thought of intentionally aborting a child of ours, given to us by God. The child will be loved no matter what, but I imagine what the stress would be like. Plus, there are many types of chromosomal defects out there and some are worse than possible Downs Syndrome. Life and Death.

Whew! Part of me really wants another child. It should not upset my life all that much more than having one, right? Or wrong… don’t know. I am already trying to work out the logistics of traveling with more than one kid… and by myself, scheduled nap times, conflicting nap times. I run the gamut. I think we will need a double stroller as Gabriel will not really be ready to be out of it by then. I think about all the clothes given to good will and wonder if I should have saved them. No, of course not. Besides, God will provide. He always does.