When I had my blood tests done, my most immediate concern was pregnancy; and I, in fact, had that added after other tests that the dr. wanted to do as part of a check up and my complaint that my hands were hurting. Well, I got my results today and I know that everyone is waiting to hear if I am pregnant or not. To that end I can only say that I still do not know… which infuriates me. Even though the test was indicated on the request form, Labcorp admits that it was there but they didn’t do the test; so now, we must wait until Thursday or Friday to find out.

I am trying to keep calm about this and I think that I’m doing a pretty good job. I know that DH will not be happy because I have shut down the sex machine until we know for sure because I do not want an embryo slipping in before I have a mammogram done and possibly I’ll need x-rays taken of my hands. The reason that I am bordering on upset is that I used to work for Labcorp and know that a lot of tests get messed up, and cases where they have dropped the ball. I was there a while ago, so I thought that they had somewhat cleaned up their act, and that might still be true; but here I sit without knowing the thing that I want to know the most. The way that any large lab like that works is by volume and counting on the majority of the tests being completed without complications. But what of the rest of us? All those people out there biting their nails while waiting for results? Please, I could tell you stories! <shaking it off!>

What I “do” know is that my sugar is very high and I am probably diabetic, no, I am being classified as a diabetic. I have a sense of dread, but permeating that is a sense of relief and I’ll tell you why. My mother had diabetes from her early thirties on, I knew that at some point I would get it, but my good health continued. Even though I am a big person, my health has been consistently better all around than I ever would have imagined. Don’t drink or smoke. Always had great cholesterol results, great blood pressure, great sugar readings (until baby). I not always ate the right things, but I’ve been eating healthy in that I never cook or add salt. As a rule, I stay away from prepared foods. I stopped drinking soda and I’ve moderated my intake of caffeine. I pay a lot of attention to fiber and lots of water that is needed to keep regularity in the bowels. Stopped eating bagged junk food, you know all the little things that make life healthier. I did all this, but it was on my terms. My relief is that now I am being forced to take a more deliberate role with my health. Doesn’t that sound crazy?

There were definitely times when I ignored all my own rules, and this is probably my downfall. Oh, I should mention that I don’t exercise. For some reason I hate it. Many times I’ve started a regimen only to forsake it for some trivial reason. My weight is an area of my life that is my nemesis, possibly connected to my spiritual growth. Whatever it is, is so deeply rooted that I cannot see the root causes of my failure at trying to achieve and maintain a healthy body weight. I’ve been to counselors and they cannot see anything, either. I had resigned myself to my body, believing that I’ll never know, and so my body keeps it’s extra weight. I had lost weight after I had Gabriel, but that was because I was manufacturing breast milk. In a way, I am looking forward to the same benefits if I am with child again, though I know that I should not look to that, in itself, for losing weight. Oh, the tricks the mind and body plays on you.

Okay, so I am relieved that not just the shoe, but the whole closet has tumbled down upon my head, forcing me to really take this dieting stuff seriously, for real… for keeps. I am not so worried about the diabetes, itself, as I am worried about my ability to be disciplined enough to take care of myself. I mentioned before that my mother was diabetic and I watched her health decline specifically because of her attitude towards it. I knew then that it was manageable if only she would take an interest in her health. She just didn’t care. I know now that there are plenty of resources at my disposal to manage it. On the down side, it’s a degenerative decease. It will never get better, only worse; and it’s up to me to slow it down until at least my son is an adult, which will be 20 or so more years. I am determined to keep my outlook bright because that is always so much the key to dealing with illness. I must not even look at it as an illness.

For right now, I am really concerned about whether or not I am pregnant. We really would like another child and we’d have to deal with my condition and pregnancy as best we could. If I am not, however, I struggle with the idea of even keeping myself in the position of getting pregnant again. We believe in giving this over to God, and that is all well and good, but do we continue our love life the way it’s been going, without birth control.

Ah, I’ve finally found myself face to face with the problem of many practicing Catholics out there. To use, or not to use. It would have been a real easy decision for me 2 years ago; but after being blessed with a baby, after not expecting it, I am not so sure anymore. I believe that God, Himself, case His hand and gave us our son. He was such a miracle baby. How can I now presume to take matters into my own hands, forsaking the trust that I had in my Lord? I know that I am putting the cart before the horse here, but there is no better time than now, in my opinion, to start thinking about it.

Still thinking……..

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