cross

I apologize for posting this so late. I know that some of you were waiting to see whether I am prego or not. The test came back negative which means, no, I am not pregnant. The doctor wants me to have a back up test done, but I have a feeling that I am not having a baby. I want to thank everyone for their support and prayers for a favorable outcome.

Favorable? What does that mean? Are we happy about the results? I would not say that we are happy at all; but I can tell you I am relieved because a baby will not be subjected the diabetes corrupting his mother’s body. Diabetes that would all but guarantee the baby would be at high risk for the disease him or herself. Oh, no… not a chance that I’ll need another test to confirm that.

I have been thinking about the Julia Roberts character in Steel Magnolias. I think she had diabetes and ached for babies and had them, and she gave her life for her babies lives. She horrified her mother, with whom she had an extraordinarily close relationship, by begging her husband to make her pregnant; or that is what I got from the movie. I remember the funeral scene at the end with her two children left motherless. Of course you just knew that the women in the town who were the close knit crones of the beauty parlor would all help to raise those children. Well, I really have no such support system here. We have family that are so far removed geologically and with their own obligations that I can’t rely on anyone helping my husband to raise my kids if something ever happened to me. Sure, we know who we would like to raise our son if we both passed, but not just one of us, currently on my mind, me.

If the test result was positive, then we would deal with the situation as best we could, wholeheartedly welcome a new little bundle of joy. In fact, we really would like our son to have a sibling to grow up with and stay rooted with during his whole life.

At least now I can focus on the diabetes without the weight of having a life inside me being affected by what happens to my body. No baby trying to grow and being denied nutrients it needs to live by a dying or dead placenta.

It’s times like these, however, that I must bring to mind my faith in God and that there is a purpose to everything he does. Everything about my last pregnancy was punctuated with the hand of God guiding my condition and events, leading straight up to the birth of my boy. Even the pitfalls and perils turned out to be for the greater good and safety of my child and myself… but that is a post for another time. I am convinced my not being pregnant now is also the work of God and I trust in Him. I talked with DH when he got home and he insists that “it’s not over yet”, to which I replied, “Why? Because you are not a limp biscuit?” DH has the strongest faith and acceptance of God and life that I’ve ever seen. I cannot help but ponder his words and the relevance they have on our future. Que sera sera.

candles in the snow

I cannot help but include this little song I remember from my childhood, sung by Doris Day.

Que Sera Sera

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here’s what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here’s what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

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