Let’s get serious about people and weddings. This conversation is going on over at The Naked Soul & Buddha Warrior. I was going to comment on those blogs; but , sorry guys, my comments got very long and personal so I decided to express them here being I haven’t written anything thoughtful here in a while.
I think that people seriously do not know what they are getting into when they get married; and for some, even after failed marriages, still do not fully grasp what marriage is all about. I think that most people assume it’s the “next step”, “the thing to do.” Certainly this is proliferated by all those aunties out there asking, “When are you going to get married? You have such a pretty face!”
First and foremost, marriage should be taken seriously, not just a means to an end, such as financial security or the means to get out of the parental home. Society tends to regard the institutions of Marriage and Family as disposable and not important enough to support. It’s no secret that our (American) society is not family friendly, not really. Oh, yes, they target and exploit families to make money, but many actual businesses are not family friendly at all when dealing with their employees... which is a subject for another time.
Society accepts divorce just as readily as it accepts McDonald’s as being a healthy choice of food, oblivious as to exactly how that food is procured, prepared and marketed. Well, I speak for the time before “Super Size Me” and “Fast Food Nation”. Sadly, even now, after the facts were revealed, millions of people flock to fast food establishments. Similarly, people are flocking to the divorce courts, without even attempting to heal their marriages. Then a lot of them rush right back into the marriage bed with someone different only to begin the nasty cycle again.
I believe having old fashioned values is the best way to go. There is something to be said for abstaining from sex before marriage, extending courtesies to our partners, and plain old respect. I do not agree with the idea that people should test each other out to see if they are sexually compatible. If the love is there, you should have no problem. Though undeniably important in a marriage, sex should not be the priority. If approached from this viewpoint, it can prove to be immensely helpful later on if something happens that should prevent the couple from having sex either on the long term or permanently. People get sick, impotency, etc. Stuff happens. Imagine how a man would feel if/when he becomes impotent, thinking that it’s important to his partner? But if going into the marriage the emphasis is on more important things like honesty, trust and respect, he will be a little more at ease knowing that his wife loves him no matter what. I know it’s not all there is to that because I am sure that he will need reassurance from his wife… but it will be easier for him to believe her. Aside from all that, marital s-e-x is not all fantasy and even if it is, how long could that be sustained? Sure, we need to always be attentive to our partner’s needs, but every couple does settle into their own cradle of bliss and it’s different for everyone.
Too many times I see couples breaking up over petty issues, really non-issues. Women expect too much from their men and visa versa, taking our partners for granted, etc. The woman fully expects the man to provide the means for everything they do together. The man expects the woman to be available for him whenever the mood strikes him that he wants to see her. At the other extreme, the man will expect the woman to pay her way, even if he was the one to request and plan the date. The woman makes a scene if the man holds the door open for her. I’ll admit that these were my own stereotypes, so my examples were kind of over the top… but were they?
Maybe it’s sour grapes, but I have no patience for high maintenance women and the men who perpetuate that mentality. Let’s face it, they are raised to expect and accept only the best that a man can offer and more. Possibly, it’s the mothers who ingrain this into their darling little girls thinking they are teaching self worth. Somehow the experiment goes terribly wrong. Then there is the man whose identity is wrapped up in how well he can please his woman with material things, side stepping his involvement in an honest relationship. Maybe he gravitates to material things because he was either taught that; or he doesn’t believe that he is enough, alone, to make a woman happy. The clue here is that nobody can make anyone else happy, nor should they be made to shoulder that burden. These people never seem to be truly happy beyond the glitter off the surface. As a woman, I can tell you that even I, growing up in a not-quite-poor, not-quite-rich household, was impressed with this mentality. I was brought up believing the man must give give give and pay pay pay to prove himself worthy of my attention. This was preached by both parents. I could never quite rectify this in my mind because I always believed that any relationship should be an equal enterprise.
The big picture seems to escape so many people. They do not look beyond the sex they get before marriage, the easy social life, the absence of everyday responsibilities that can put an inconvenient damper on selfishness in later married days, especially when there are little ones running around. The me me me days are forever over. Now, it’s us. I find that a hard thing for some couples to manage is the concept of “what is yours is mine and what is mine is yours”. That goes for money, chores, space, time, anything and everything that they must now SHARE with one another. For some, this is a hard thing to get comfortable with doing. Maybe it’s harder for people who have been single for a long time and place priority on their personal freedom. What is also a big issue sometimes is that now you must account to the other person. It’s not really a rule, but a consideration for our loved one’s feelings. I have personal experience with these issues. DH was single for all of his 50 years before me and did not have to account to anyone in those years. He still struggles with the “ours” concept; he’s more comfortable with the “yours, mine” thing… but we work with it. I tell him that I am not saying he “can’t” go anywhere; but that I need to know what he is doing if he is not coming home. This might seem restrictive to you, but it’s because he does not carry a cell phone and I do have a “need” to know when he is coming home so that I don’t worry about him. In the beginning, he just didn’t get it. Probably partially due to the fact that he, himself, did not place any restrictions on me.
Notice that I’ve not said a lot about “love”. Well, that is because it is assumed that you love the person, silly. But more than that, there is so much more that comes into play equally. A lot of people get divorced because “they do not love the person anymore, or just like they did when they met.” Oh how I hate to hear this. People, love is not stagnant. Love evolves, love changes with every day, every minute you love. People just don’t see this and assume that love is gone when it’s still right there, just showing you more of it’s many facets. Think about the loss. Possibilities for love thrown out the window; so sad it’s heart wrenching. I believe the soul suffers, too. Something happens to the soul that is hard to heal, if ever for some people. When damage like this can be done, you would think that one would really think before assuming this kind of commitment. Commitment. That is something people really do not realize the depth of.
I would be remiss if I did not include that God is present in our marriage. I believe we have a “Sacramental Marriage”. I wrote on this a while ago. If you are interested, it’s here. We believe that our marriage, and the fruit it bears, in it’s own way, is a part of God’s plan for the world.
Wow, when you look at it like that, it goes beyond being special just for us.
We think a lot a like on this topic. I wrote a little about it today on my post as well. Thanks for stating it bluntly!
Hope you’ll visit my site, too.
Thank you so much for stopping by! I checked out your article and loved it so much, you are now on my blogroll, but more importantly, you are in my Friend Finder. I love finding jewels at the bottom of this vast sea of WP.
DM,
I think that I’m a young DH!!!
I to say I’ve been single all my life would a complete life to myself, but let’s go with 99.5% of my life. I’ve never really had a girlfriend. There was one, girl, Harlie, that had my heart, still does in a special way, but we don’t know if we dated for 2.5 years or for 2 months. It’s complicated but besides that, NO gf’s ever. Hard to believe, with my posts on women, right? (Mentally it’s ALL SOUND, just no action)
Most of that arrtibuted to my long history of shyness, and desirability issues, with being severely overweight. Not having a true social life in high school would have bolstered the later as well.
I can understand about DH, and him having a struggling with “ours”. It’s hard for me to let go of the independence. I know it sounds really selfish, but it’s hard and difficult to take into account, someone else’s, privilege of my time. Not that I have trust issues, but there’s a level of vulnerability and availably that until recently I wasn’t really ready to allow my self to experience. I’m so glad that you and DH are working on that.
Maybe and example would work here. I don’t like feeling pressured to hang out and spend time with someone. Not to say that I don’t want to spend time with that person, but having a take into account my time, is bothersome. I don’t WANT to feel like the other person is a burden on me. If you understand what I’m saying. Great, If you don’t, scratch that example, because it sucks. LOL.
Last try here. It’s had to find the balance between Separate VS Equal and Shared, in a relationship.(not talking about guys night out, or alone time etc) SO stressful, even to think about dealing with, that I don’t even want to bother with it. NO DATING
You said “Maybe it’s harder for people who have been single for a long time and place priority on their personal freedom. What is also a big issue sometimes is that now you must account to the other person”. It’s not losing personal freedom that scares me, its gaining the sense of responsibility to someone (partner), to something (the relationship).
As super single we often wrap ourselves up in “sponges” that soak up all our time. For me it was school. I used it as valid excuse, for not dating. SO much here, wow, this is starting to pour, out more than I expected. I think I’ll stop here; I have a NEW Post to write soon now. (THANKS)
Good news, is that after 23 years, I’m finally think I’m ready to date, ha-ha, so I won’t be 50 like DH. I think that dropping weight, gaining self-awareness, and stepping back for moment and seeing the world for what it is, has helped me a great deal in that area.
Justin… thanks so much for expressing your thoughts here. I’ve been PAINFULLY shy and overweight my whole life and it’s affected me so deeply that I’m still trying to unravel the mess (though making progress). I did not have a true social life until my late thirties, after my divorce, in a divorced people’s self help group. That is truly when my life started. With Eddie… oops he’s outed. I do understand about struggling with “ours”… well sort of. I struggle constantly because my whole life I’ve been comfortable and value all the time to myself. I really miss being able to just pick up at a moments notice and head on out the door, no matter what time of day or night. When I was single, I’d head out to the Jersey shore really late on a Sat. night and literally sleep on the beach. I used to go there, too, to watch the hurricanes roar in. There is no opportunity now to do anything even remotely like that because DH goes to bed at 9pm and of course, the baby is too young for any of that.
The problem with someone trying to work with your feelings of being pressured to hang out is that eventually she might feel like she is the perpetually in the background to something she may not understand. No matter how much we intellectually understand, we women are emotional creatures and will eventually crack under the pressure to feign indifference. All we know is that we want to spend time with the person we are interested in, and it seems to us that you men are drawing further and further away… again, I recommend the “Mars/Venus” books… so informative and very insightful into the male and female behavior. All I can say is that when you meet someone you really like and become intrigued with, you will want to spend more time with them too.
I admire that you saw the problem with the time and decided not to date at all…. and devoting your time to school is a worthy “excuse”! You have probably benefited from your decision as you had no distractions at school…. or at least no female distractions.
Last word… when you are in a relationship, it’s a partnership. Before you even get seriously involved, you’ve got to be willing to give as well as take. It’s good that you are guarding yourself now… but when the right girl comes along,, you will know and you will give her what she needs. You just seem to be that kind of person, Justin… it’s your nature… just follow your nature and be yourself. When paired with the right person, it can be glorious to willingly give your trust, expose your vulnorabilities. Justin… when you do this, it’s got to be to a woman you can completely trust… you are gifting her with your secrets, and ENTRUSTING her to hold them safe… and not abuse that sacred trust. So you can see the importance of not jumping into anything with the wrong person.
Wonderful post, DM. I haven’t thought about our marriage being part of God’s plan for the world- yet it is! On reflection, I know how is actually hurts to hear of friends whos’ marriage has failed. Divorce is a sad thing- something I have experienced myself unfortunately. Blessings. Glenys
Hi Glenys… Thanks for your comments. I’ve been divorced before, too. I still thank God for that experience as it put me on the road to discovery.
Dragonmommie,
Wow, yo covered a lot of ground. Well written and well said! Great job! You hit all the key points and then some! You and DH are very fortunate to have each other.
Thanks tobeme, I needed that! While writing it seemed that my mind was all over the place trying to get all this down, let alone in an intelligent, understandable (for others) way. I tried not to sound like I was on a soapbox, but that was unavoidable since I get emotional when I write sometimes. There is so very much to take into consideration, and I tried to keep it generalized but not sure if I succeeded.
As you can see, sometimes I write more than at other times. I get to go out by myself on Tuesday nights so I write then either at the library or Starbucks (yes!).
Marriage has become a personal arrangement more than a social institution. I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or bad thing but it works better for me. Marriage is what two people make it.
I was interviewed as part of a documentary on gay parents recently, because my daughter is friends with a girl whose parents are lesbian. They are great parents and their relationship appears very warm and supportive. They are Buddhists.
I’m not real keen on saying that what works for me in my personal life should work for others. If you are happy in your marriage, I’ll celebrate that with you, but I’ll celebrate the happy union and nuturing family units no matter what their formula for success is.
Thanks for your comments, NH. I guess I was speaking from my own perspective and I can get pretty emotional… but you are right when you say that any “happy union and nurturing family units no matter what their formula for success”, should be celebrated.
Dragonmommie,
Good writing comes from passion! When you are passionate, that is when you write some of your best stuff. With passion comes less care on format and more on what is truly on your heart. You are a very good writer! I love your passion!
Thank you so much, TBM! You know, I simply can’t do anything unless I am inspired most of the time. That is part of the reason that I never did anything commercially with my art. I could not make money from a gift from God that was meant to share. Funny, when I write like this, it’s like shooting from the hip… pow pow pow!