Monthly Archives: May 2007
For this announcement:
Earlier today, officially, Little Drake addressed me as “marmie” and “ma ma” ~~ Several times! Unbelievable! At first I could not believe it, then I realized that it could not have been anything else.
THEN, later in the evening, he reached out towards his daddy and said “da da”, a few times… I saw, and it could not have been anything else. Oh man, two in one day!
He’s been saying more and more words lately, but this just totally blew me away. I was resigning to the reality of never being personally addressed by my child. It came after he got home from an early morning walk and visit to the park. He must have been in a great mood… or dare I say, he missed his mommie? The Drake’s addressment came while we were sitting on a bed, watching the Drake adjust the crib to the lowest rung. Little one has been using his crib as a trampoline and we need to be safe. The little guy reached out towards the big guy and said, “da da da”… so cute.
Okay, that’s enough sap for tonight. We return you to your regularly scheduled program.
Wow, I had to add a category for this post, “Friendship”. Funny, I have not written about friendship. Maybe that is because I don’t really have many friends around here. Mostly acquaintances, people from church, etc.; but nobody that I can just hang out with, well, except my sister but she is also very busy and can’t just pick up and hang out at a moment’s (or two) notice. This post is really about something that I was making for Grace, of The 13 Graces… and it’s STILL not done yet. Ha… maybe that is why I have no friends! Sigh. I wanted it to be a surprise, so I was all secretive about what it was going to be. This is the Trellis Triangle Shawl on the Lion Brand site. After I did finish, something was obviously very, very wrong with it. I think I figured out what it was and will correct it, but I realize that I did read the pattern correctly and maybe there is a mistake in the pattern. I checked the site under “corrections” and did not find any for this pattern. I’ll write them about it so they can make a correction to the pattern, OR tell me what I did wrong. It could be that I knitted this thing “too” loosely, but doing that was written in the instructions; it simply has no body to it. I had the Drake hold it up exactly as the model is in the picture and it was too thin in the back, maybe stretching out too far. In any case, I will frog it and redo it.Grace, I’m so sorry and embarrassed that you still do not have this shawl in your hands. This is SUCH and easy thing to do… while it’s easy, I did learn new things while doing it, so it was a great learning experience for me, knitting-wise and I am grateful that you inspired me to it. The main reason for writing this post is to tell you that and to tell you that I think I understand when you say that not having it does not matter to you; but that it is the thought that counts… agh, to put that in my own words. Of course I know that the thought counts, but sometimes intention is simply not enough to warrant such kind words. I guess that is what “Grace” really is. You receive it without deserving it.
It’s coming time again for me to pick out another cell phone as every two years I am eligible for it through VerizonWireless. I still really love LG’s Cherry Chocolate…. and it’s FREE…. whoopie! Until, the Drake started talking about the iPhone… yes, the IPHONE! Here is another clear view . Sigh… I simply cannot justify that expense in my head, though I would LOVE owning the iPhone, potential bugs and all! I don’t even have a job, let alone one that I would need that for. Then he started talking about the Blackberry Curve 8830 that is coming out in a couple of days.
I did some research and found out that with my plan, it could cost us as low as $100.00 to purchase the Blackberry Curve, but will require an added subscription of around $44./month. “He wants his wife to be on the cutting edge”; that and he wants me to be happy with my next phone and he knows what a big electronics groupie I am. I should just give in to him, right? LOL… Today I told him that what it comes down to is that I would not want to get a sophisticated phone like that and be limited with what I can do with it. That would, in turn, entail that we spend extra money each month, instead of just one time. Oh, I am SO getting off the track here, but I’ll try to fix it later.
In the interest of delaying the phone story a bit, I will cut in here to keep a hold of my train of thought. Drake is totally prepared to spend as much $$$$ for some sort of smart phone for his stay at home wife… who, btw, hardly gets any calls from anybody! The only thing holding him back, ironically, is me. To bring me back to what Grace had said, I just totally love that he wants to do this for me. I really appreciate it, just as though he had already done it, even if it comes down to me talking him out of it. The whole effect is that in my mind, I live with a deed already done, though not done. Is this the same, Grace? Get it? If not, ask questions and I’ll try to further clarify it.
Okay, back to new phone details. We are still debating what to do, but if we do this, it will not just be for my own convenience. Drake wants to take us to the “next step”. It might just pay to look into wireless broadband access. This way a smart phone can get unlimited internet access, just like a computer, our computer at home gets wireless access and it’s a laptop so we’d be able to take it anywhere and have web access, and we’d be able to get rid of our land line and DSL for good, which would help offset the cost of doing all this. Of course, Drake will finally have to break down and get a cell phone for himself, which would mean another line added, which adds cost. How does this sound?
Did you know that accessing a browser through your average cell phone will not let you on to just any page on the net? The sites are “pre-determined” by Verizon. I would not have access to my own google account, let alone my blog. Access is severely limited to what VERIZON wants you to view. There are only two email services that you can access and aol is one and I forgot the other. When I heard that, my scales bristled, big time. This really rubs me the wrong way and I want to spit. If you get a blackberry or smart phone, it’s like a little pc and you have access anywhere. In all this, keep in mind that the Cherry Chocolate VX8500 is FREE! iPhone is definitely out of the question as I would want the more expensive one with 8GB and probably speakers. I wonder if it will dock into speakers that the iPod can dock into.
Finally getting back to Grace’s shawl. Grace, I do want to let you know that as (obviously) you are not in the dark about this any longer, I will post my progression, sometimes with pictures, if they show dramatic progress. Sorry, but I’m too much of a perfectionist to send you what I have, as is. Hope everything is going well for you and know that I am thinking of you.
I saw this question on Friday but I forgot which blog I saw it on~ Parent Blasters or something like that. They were asking for contributions, but the deadline was Friday, so it was too late for me to participate. Nevertheless, this is a worthy question to ponder. Well, the obvious first thought I could give is that I never thought that I would become a parent at all, let alone ever think there would be a time I’d sit back and think about what kind of mother I am, the kind of mother I want to be. Now, I wonder what am I really capable of and what limitations I have. I think it’s very important to know your limitations. The first of which is the fact that I’ve been thinking about this since yesterday, Friday, but have not been writing anything down. So, I sit here now, at the eleventh hour, trying to both remember my thoughts and string them together in a comprehensible fashion.
As I sit here, I simply cannot think….. The more I do, however, I come to the conclusion that everything I have been in the past, everything I have learned as part of my own, personal, education has helped to make me a mother. I feel as though everything I have learned, everything I’ve experienced in my own life up to now, has culminated into the grand scheme of “mother” I am supposed to be for my child. I get visions of my life flashing before my eyes as if it were a near death experience and everything, every little dot and crossed “t” has now shown itself to be critical for my success as a mother.
If you don’t know me, or my story, I’ll go back a little and say that I have spent my whole life “waiting” for something, unbeknownst to me, to happen in my life. It was something that I just felt. Another predominant feeling of mine has been that I never thought that I would/could make a good mother. I never had the patience for kids of any age, though it’s always been easy for me to talk to children and they to me. The secret was that I actually listened to them and conversed with them. Still, I was a very flighty person and NEVER committed to anything, even if I was pretty sure I’d follow through. Although, I always wondered what a girl child of mine would look like, my desire for one never went beyond that. Part of my aversion to parenthood was that my life was never settled, never stable. When I was married in my twenties, we tried for a baby, but never got pregnant, so I thought that I could not get have them. It seemed so simple to me. Motherhood was not meant to be for me. What I didn’t realize was that something inside me did not want my then husband to be the father of any of child of mine. I am sure that thought is something that tobeme can really appreciate. My body refused to have normal, predictable cycles so that I could conceive. Well, that and the stress of the marriage that I was totally unaware of; which goes to show you how young and mentally immature I really was. The end result was no kids and as time went by, I was happy with my life minus the responsibility of raising a family. I came and went as I pleased. I digress. Then and now.
As I got older, I grew as a person; and one day I realized that the wealth I have to offer a child was not that of money, but of experience, life and pure, unconditional love. I am, and have always been a source of a never ending spring of love. I always felt love welling up from inside me and I had nobody to give it to. It felt immensely frustrating and heartbreaking to me. I wondered why God had done such a thing to me. Ah, the impatience of a 17 year old. I had always thought that I needed a man, a partner, a companion, a husband to shower all this love down onto. Well, the man that I am married to now appreciates it, but he is a very independent guy and really doesn’t need it; and though he likes it, I realize I can easily smother him. As a matter of fact, I smothered too many men and quite effectively chased them away with my attentions. God’s hand moved.
What makes me a mother like no other to my child is my treasure of knowledge, such as it is. Ah, this kind of treasure is worthless, indeed, invisible, if it’s not shared. I just happen to be poised in the perfect position to share because I have resolved to keep the lines of communication open. It will be a difficult line to manage as I want to be a “mother”, yet I want my boy to feel as though he can tell me anything. My sister became her kids’ “friend”, but I know I don’t want to go to the extreme down that road. I am prepared to listen to my kid. I am prepared to explain myself and my motives to my kid. I am prepared to invite questions from my kid. I am prepared to apologize to my kid (if appropriate). I am prepared to make my kid feel that he is important, that he matters, that I value his thoughts, his opinions, whatever they may be. One thing I noticed with young kids is that they know when adults are just patronizing them. The kid that is hurt the most is not the kid that is abused, but the kid that is ignored. Remember The Breakfast Club? When that was said in the movie, it struck a painful chord with me. It was Ally Sheedy’s character, Allison. She was the “weird” one. I WAS THE WEIRD ONE.
Another quality that I have that makes me a mother is that I never really lost my childhood. I love to play and I know the importance of nurturing the inquisitive mind. I allow my son to experience anything and everything up to the point of his personal danger, however that may manifest, be it a busy street, to dog, bird and cat poop in the yard and spiders in the water cans. Those of you who are acquainted with my quirkiness for English, probably have an idea already that I refuse to speak to my kid in baby talk. It’s not that I am trying to push him out of his childhood, but I want him to learn proper English, and not think his made up words are correct. I understand his words, but repeat back to him the proper word. I praise him, but I use the proper word. Eventually, he’ll get it.
I am sitting here wondering what else makes me a mother and I look around the place. This part of the house is also my son’s play area. It’s 9:30 at night and every box of his is empty, all toys strewn about. I have learned to act as if I do not notice. I may or may not pick all this stuff up; but probably will just because tomorrow the boy’s Nanny (grandmother) will be coming over. She really doesn’t mind, but if I don’t put a reason there to do it, it won’t get done. I’ve freely given the boy more and more territory. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ve got to put more and more of my stuff away in storage just so that they can survive to the next era of “normalcy” around here. A time when adult items can be proudly be out in the open without fear of death or destruction. I do this with a smile as this idea was a “light bulb moment” when a solution was needed to stop my yelling at the boy because he was going after my stuff, no matter how high I put things. Ah, precious dragons are put aside for precious boy.
Though I have more patience with him than I ever thought I would have, there are times when I blow up. There have been a few of them… but more than I care to admit. I sigh a long, hard sigh. This is one of my limitations. I pray about it. I think about it and I try to be aware of my tendency to flash a tornado at him. I try to think why I am “really” upset and more often than not, the situation was caused directly by my lack of forethought than the baby “being bad”. Lack of forethought is when I forget to take things I don’t want him to fool with out of his way before he sees them… like the bottle of soda he is increasingly becoming more enamored with each day.
My son is really learning some words now. Already I am sharing his joy when I see his excitement of showing us what words he knows and that he knows he knows them. Got that? I love seeing his little light bulb light up when he is successful at what he is attempting, whatever it is, be it going down a slide for the first time or taking off his socks. I’ll never forget the light in his eyes (or mine) when I found the Land of the Lost Boy’s Socks under his crib~18 pairs! He loves to learn, God bless his heart, and we will try to keep the opportunities coming to him. He is learning to say the letters by letters on the fridge and Newman’s Own Alphabet graham cracker cookies… hubby’s great idea! I wonder how many bags of that stuff we’ll have to buy! DH says that the whole alphabet is represented in every bag. Did I mention that I would not be half the mother that I am if I did not have an excellent example of what a father should be in the person of the Drake? If I have an unending source of love, HE’s got an apparently unending source of patience! I love him and still want to be the mother of HIS children! See how God implants everything you need to start into your being? Like a kit. It’s called intuition. I knew during our first date together.
I am tired but somehow I don’t think I’ve managed to say much <again>. Though I ache for bed this night, I would be remiss if I did not write a little more. Like any other kid, I learned a lot from my own mother, but not in the way that you’d expect. My own mother never really talked to us. She was very intelligent and intuitive to a degree, yet, there was never true communication between us. I do not feel as if I ever truly knew her, or who she was. Not all her fault either as I was to blame, too; but hey, she was the parent in that equation and her responsibility to take the lead, not I, the immature child. She just left it alone, giving up, whatever. I’ll never know. I have made peace with my mother, though. I realize that she was somehow incapable of anything more than she was. I know she made sacrifices for us, big ones, but very subtle. She sacrificed herself, her identity to be our mother. She sacrificed being our “friend” to be our Mother, capital M. She shut herself off to us perhaps because she found herself in the position of the needed disciplinarian while my father was out working 2 and 3 jobs. She was very sensitive, too, and that was probably why she had to shut herself down emotionally… so that we kids would know that she meant business.
Remember, babies never did, or ever will come with a user’s manual. My mother’s mother did not talk to her… and so the cycle repeated itself, for one last generation. I am where the buck stopped last…. to die. Pretty smelly here as I do not have a manual, either; but I am planting my lavenders, rosemarys, and lemon tyme to stifle the stench and my baby will someday help me plant my garden. He will someday learn how to knit if he still wants to by then. The world will be his oyster if oysters are not wiped off the face of the earth by then.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Gotta go and fold some laundry!
Sorry about the inconvenience if some of you wanted to comment on my last post, “Alcohol In Celeb City“. Somehow the comments were turned off; and now, they are back one, so comment away if you so desire. A big Thank You to Robert of DragonLife for pointing that out to me. Don’t understand about the comments because I allow comments and pings as a default. Also, something is wacky with the widgets again as the music is gone, too. I’ll have to check it all out again.
Thank you for your patience!
UPDATE…. Justin: Sorry, thought I’d posted this already! Everything should be okay, now for the widgets.
First let me apologize for not getting this out over the weekend. It was one of those rare times DH was home on both days and, well, you know how great the weather was, or hope you did. Anyway, this was started on Saturday and so, here is where we start:
DH and I were talking this morning about Josh Hancock and the fact that he was on his cell phone when the tragic accident occurred. DH (rabid baseball fan) promptly proceeded to advise me that now the Cardinals’ are banning alcohol in the clubhouse. Duh. I can’t tell you how much it really annoys me that you have sports organizations, who actually capitalize on the fact that their players are role models for young kids, suddenly alter their “innocent” policies after a tragic incident such as this one. The man was drunk and talking on his cell phone; if that were not bad enough, they found marijuana and relevant paraphernalia in his SUV. What’s it gonna take?
In a news conference, the general manager, Walt Jocketty, announced, “I think it’s probably a wakeup call to everybody.” He went on to say that Mr. Hancock “made some bad decisions that night.” To me, this sounds like he is talking about a decision made in the proverbial board room, one made at work that could be changed should there be an adverse reaction to it. Wakeup call? The man forfeited his life to a life style.
Another complication was that the tow truck he crashed into was in a traffic lane; but I am sure that it had it’s hazard lights on. Mr. Hancock was not wearing a seat belt, though experts are saying that, in itself, would not have prevented his death as he died within seconds of the impact. Some of his peers, team mates, are of the impression that if one of these factors were eliminated from that night, this accident would not have occurred. I am not so sure. If Mr. Hancock were not drunk and not chatting up a woman on his cell phone at the time, he most likely would have seen the hazard lights flashing. These guys are groomed, trained from the very beginning to perform as though they cannot be touched by life. They are given, to put it mildly, absurd privileges just to play sports. The affect is of gladiator proportions. Even gladiators fall eventually.
If one can have a pre-disposition towards alcohol in their genes, then the same can be said for the institution of baseball. As part of the education I received from DH about the connection between alcohol, drugs and baseball, he dropped quite a few names, mostly from the past, of players of the sport who died of causes directly related to alcohol. Keep in mind this part of the continuing conversation took place in the car:
- Ed Delahanty who fell off a train going over Niagra Falls, NY.
- Bugs Raymond died at age 29
- Pete Alexander, a pitcher who frequently played the game while intoxicated
- Rube Wadell, died 47 alcohol related
- Mike Donlin, died in the early 30’s
Here is a list of baseball players who got into recovery.
- Ryne Duren, into recovery in the late 50’s
- Glen Wright, first to get into AA and played in the 20’s and 30’s
- Steve Dalkowski
Can somebody tell me why professional sports players need to make so much money? It’s not like their living expenses (at least during the season while traveling, if not also when they play at home), food, travel are not covered by the team. When I look at some of these salaries, I want to gag, literally. Maybe it’s sour grapes. I really wish that I had just 1 million dollars and I see these guys making exponentially more than that. They can’t live for 1 million a year, 2 million to be more generous? Is life that bad that they need hundreds of millions, some of them; even while their own team mates make a lot less? Does that difference even matter once you’re in the millions? Is the healthcare issue apart of this? I mean we’re talking MILLIONS. If they should permanently hurt themselves, do they really need hundreds of millions to cover their healthcare costs?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Another celebrity in the news is Paris Hilton. Apparently, she is actually going to jail for breaking probation after being found guilty for driving under the influence of alcohol. She got off easy the first time, now she is still trying to wiggle out of it. This is what Miss. Hilton can expect in jail. Just another individual out there who is acting “dumb” hoping the judge would let her off because she is a celebrity, or that is how it appeared to me when I read the above article. She actually said that she wasn’t “aware” that she could not drive, even after signing a document after being pulled over, yet another time. She tried to blame it on her PR guy. She told the judge that she “wanted to be more aware or involved” in her affairs from now on. Hello? How old is she? She is a millionaire in her own right, with all of the projects that she is involved in. Is she a pathetic case of “wealth gone wild”? In my opinion, her mother acted worse than she, because she yelled at the prosecutor after it was all over. The last that I heard is that Paris is petitioning Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger for a pardon and her attorneys are appealing the sentence. I say just get over yourself already and pay the price of your irresponsible actions. Come to grips with the fact that you are just like us, the ordinary people that live in this country. You break the law, you pay the price.
Am I being too harsh? Maybe these people are the victims. Victims of privilege. It draws you in, you take it for granted; then it proceeds to strip you down and destroy you AND the person you could have been had you not been under it’s influence.
Do not know how many of you had problems, but evidently, WP had “a problem” that took all my widgets off the page and now I’ve got to try and remember which ones to put back up and in what order they were. Thankfully, the contents of the text widgets were preserved.
I wrote this for The Drake when we were courting. He so inspired me to write love poetry. I guess my creative heart benefited from abstaining from each other sexually. So, you people I dare you to try it!
I know that I’ve hesitated posting my poems, but I got the urge today and will go with it before I relent.
Your Angel’s Angel…
Looks for you in the night
Eyes powerless but spirit willing
She reaches for you with her very soul
On a thread of time
Exquisite recognition flutters through her being
So faint and frail yet a clear, roaring trumpet
Making no mistake
Senses so alive, so awake
Breath does not come
You call her from within
She can almost touch you
Almost taste your
Your Sweet Lips
Oh Lord, I pray
May that You would carry me home
I yearn for you so
copyright 2003 Debra M. Sedita
Robert of Dragonlife just dedicated one of his recipes to ME. I am so honored! It looks scrumptious for something without chocolate in it; which, for me, is really saying something. I will be sure to make this and taste it as I’m still diabetic… but I am sure that one. taste won’t set me back too much. I am wondering if I can make this with Splenda. I am pretty sure that I can do it, but I will make the “real” recipe first…. and share.
I’ll have to see if I have all the ingredients… oh and find something that translates from the metric system to what I use in the US… geez, I don’t even know what we call it!
If you are interested in a souffle, check out his Lemon Cointreau Souffle. Can you believe that Word Press’ spellchecker is marking “souffle”? What is the deal with that? I checked with dictionary.com and it shows this spelling to be okay. BTW, “okay” is not okay. I guess they expect us to be good spellers on our own!
Thanks again, Robert!
I didn’t mean to be, but I am upset again over this abortion issue. I just clicked on one of the referrals that link to my blog out of curiosity, and I found the search page that had led the person to my blog. I will not go into the details now because I already did so in my previous post, “Who’s More Deeply Disturbed”. I will just post the link to a nurses’ description of what she saw. Keep in mind that before she attended this so-called doctor, she was “Pro-Choice”.
Sorry about this could-be-construed-as-a-rant, but I can’t help it. It’s always been my desire to share what I am feeling, at the time I feel it as that is when my emotions have the most clarity for me. After the fact documenting, has always produced fuzzy accounts of what is really in my head and heart.
UPDATE: 5/03/07, 12:30pm~ I just want to add this quote from the link above:
“The partial-birth abortion procedure is used in the fifth month and later. The difference between partial-birth abortion and homicide is a mere three inches….”
This is the drink that got bumped from last week. A little “controversial” to some, but I can assure you that, if you like tea, you will love this recipe. I have tried it and it’s really good as long as the tea is made on the strong side. It’s very simple to make and yummy any day of the week.
Today happens to be a damp, miserable day and I will surely treat myself after the little one goes down for his nap. Right now, he is throwing his toys into my bedroom as I have “gated” him out so I can write.
So, if you’re the adventurous type, this is a great way to feed that spirit on a day where you just want to snuggle up with a warm blanket.
Darjeeling Tea Hot Chocolate
4 oz. milk chocolate, chopped
1 black tea bag, such as Darjeeling
1 cup boiling water
Cream to taste
Sugar to taste
- Place the chocolate in a small bowl and heat in a microwave until melted, being careful not to burn it.
- In a large mug, steep the tea bag in the hot water for 5 minutes.
- Stir in the melted chocolate. Add cream and sugar to taste and serve immediately.