I was drawn to this image immediately.
The beautiful Tree Dancer.

I was looking for an image that conveyed “adversity”, but the second I saw this one, I knew that I had to use it. It can be found here at Twisted Sister’s Blog… and, BTW, I’ve got to explore this blog further, myself. Anyway, the blog stated that this pic (and others) were not hers, but had been received in an emaiil.

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Cliches. They really do rub me the wrong way. To me, using them means that the speaker either could not or would not exert the effort to come up with their own words. To me, the over usage of them has rendered them meaningless, exhausted of whatever potency they once wielded. Give me words! What do you really think, man! Anything at all swimming around in that pool your brain is sloshing around in?

With that said, get ready for musings that don’t have anything to do with the title. Perhaps I should have entitled this post, “Tangents are Grande”. The cliche I’m thinking about right now is this one: “Things happen for a reason”. There are a myriad of belief systems out there and I’m not going to try and touch upon all of them to draw correlations, so I’ll just draw upon mine and leave the line drawing to you. I am Roman Catholic, active in my church parish and serve at the masses. All… or most reference points in this post will come from there, so if you’re not interested in hearing the Catholic point of view, please “get up and change the channel”…. ha… an archaic reference to television before cable, even before…. eeeeeek! The horror…. universal remote. What a prehistoric, deprived era I come from… the 1960’s and 1970’s…. even worse, the Brady Bunch! Hey, I liked that show!

Anyway back to my original thought… yes, there was one in there a minute ago. Ah yes, it’s coming back. In the year of 2002 I had sent away for yet another weight loss program. I forget the infomercial I saw on TV, but it arrived very close to the day I was scheduled to move out of my parent’s home to live temporarily, with my girlfriend in Staten Island. My ultimate goal was to transplant myself into the state of New Jersey to be closer to my fiance (DH now). We were planning on living in NJ anyway and she offered. Her story is going to be a whole other post… sometime. My father was selling our home of 40+ years after my mother’s death. He was moving on, and so was I… and my brother. So, I decided to just pack away the whole box, unopened, and to be explored a few months down the road. It got put into a storage facility for approximately a year, then finally brought to my now current residence around July 2003. I rediscovered the box while unpacking. Finally, I opened the Fedex box, scanned the contents, then repacked it all and threw it in my closet. There it stayed until a few weeks ago.

I was getting things together for a yard sale and was cleaning out my closet and this box was set deep into the deep, dark recesses of a closet under a flight of stairs. I displayed this package on my table… oh, let me give details. It’s the Fresh Start Metabolism Program with Cathi Graham. There were/are tons of goodies in there, from VCR and cassette tapes, a recipe book, journal book, program manual, everything one needs to embark on an involved weight loss journey. When I put this stuff aside for the yard sale, I took out the cook book… maybe the first uncut string. I priced all this stuff at $10.00, with the intention of possible negotiations. I wanted at least $5-7.00. As you can see, I’m a terrible business woman because I am still in possession of it! Well, nobody even gave my great display a second look. Then I posted a lot of left over stuff up on freecycle and even got a response for this item. Funny how all my stuff got scooped up by freecyclers, but nobody would buy any of it…. as evidenced by my total take of $1.50. The Shame of it! I left the box on my porch and I never heard from that person again.. not even after I reposted it for a “no show”. So. what to do? The only thing I could do was tuck it away again inside another closet, my food pantry. I just couldn’t bring myself to toss it in the trash.

Okay, for those of you who do not know, since my fat-burning purchase in 2002, I have been diagnosed with diabetes after the birth of my son. I had the gestational kind that, did indeed, disappear after he was born; but a year later, it came back and sadly, and NOT to my personal credit, have not been able to my sugar levels under control. I am freaking scared and still , I cannot take control of my food life. Overeaters Anonymous will say that I have a disease and at this point, I’ve have to agree with them. The only thing that is really holding me back from doing so, however, is that I balk at making such an admission. It seems to take the ball out of my hands…. well, yes as any 12 step program would do. I somehow can’t let go of the fact that this is my fault, alone, and that I must handle fix it myself. What I will admit, though, is that while I have the reins in my hands, I’m going nowhere fast.

Okay… Let me say that for the past few years I have given up on taking any dietary program seriously or allow a glimmer of hope to seep inside… but the more I look at this literature, accidentally in my hands, the more I feel [unsolicited] like I want to give it a shot…. I mean, I can feel myself wanting to take this seriously, and being drawn to the starting line. Since I found out about the Glycemic Index, this whole prospect of weight loss got 1000x (not a typo) more complicated than it was back in the good old days when all you had to do was count calories. The Atkins diet was pretty simple and I lost a lot of weight, but even that did not last. One little wall, in the form of my mother, who thought that I was killing myself by cutting out the carbs, crumbled my resolve and I literally gave up the fight… the fight that I was winning. I got so tired of defending myself every time I fixed a meal in her kitchen. That was the closest I ever got to getting down to my “ideal” weight. I mean that in every way, mentally as well as physically. What I mean to say is that I was positive and the “go” light was on the whole time (except for the interaction with my mom). Oh, the shortened version of the back story is that I started the diet while I was still living on my own, lost weight, then had to move back with my parents. My mom thought I was starving myself…. oh man! Fast forward a handful of years, and I now observe what I’ve become. Sometimes, it’s like I’m hovering over myself, disassociating from myself… until I catch a glimpse of “me” in a mirror. Last time, I was sitting down and I couldn’t bear to see myself. What made it worse was that I was waiting for my friends to arrive so we cojld start our knitting circle. What kind of person am I, anyway? Especially now that I want/need to be alive to raise my son… I’ve got to be around at least for 20 more years, minimum…. Well, I do want to dance at his wedding, after all!

I can’t let go of the feeling that God is somehow trying to help me lose weight. Yes, this is where my faith is entering the story. Can it be a coincidence that I’ve started praying the rosary on a daily basis? Well, almost every day. I started saying it for another purpose, though. Recently, I accepted the position of Chairperson at the Rosary Society at my church. I am definitely under-versed in religious matters, specifically prayer; and I figured that I had better get myself in gear to at least keep myself honest, yeah! Another reason for suddenly making an effort was a wave of bad news that came filtering in from the lives of our friends and family. I wanted to pray for people… for real. I had so become one of those people who quickly reassured others, upon hearing of bad news, that I’d pray for them… or put them on my prayer list….. WHAT IS A PRAYER LIST? How do you do that? I am definitely NOT one who even knows HOW to pray…. something that I’m not happy about, but my form of prayer had always been more of a “feeling” experience, of projecting my intentions out to the universe… to GOD… and whose to say that is right or wrong? Anyway, spontaneous verbalization of prayer and praying for people is definitely out of my scope of talent, but seems to really be a requirement for this job; or at least that is what I believe. The last Chairperson, Mary O’Sullivan, is the absolute best at doing this. She is such a natural at it. At every gathering, every meeting, the prayers and verbalization just flow out so eloquently. Is she making that stuff up as she goes along? Maybe this should be another post… so I’ll just leave it here.

Before publishing this mish mosh of a post, I just want to say that I’ll try to update my thoughts and feelings… oh AND experiences as I go along. In the future, I’m not going to focus on any kind of storyline. I’m going to just write my thoughts. That’s not to say that I’ll abandon a start-to-finish idea altogether. I’m just saying that my focus is going to be on publishing posts and not to necessarily wait for an ending to come to me. I’ve been working on this one since yesterday and I just think I should let it go.

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