The girl is alone on the porch and my son wants to go outside and play with her.  I say yes and he scrambles to get his sneakers on and runs outside.  He is making conversation with her and I am amazed.  I am elated that he even wants to go outside.  Those social skills groups are working miracles.  This good feeling was doomed to be short-lived, however.

She was waiting for two boys to arrive for a play date.  One of them comes and she is engaged with him.  My son tries to keep her attention and the bad habits flare up.  He raises his voice and cuts off the other boy from speaking.  I cringe.  The two exchange glances and smiles while my boy goes on and on about stuff that I don’t even know about.

I sit behind the slanted blinds, fingering the pages of a book, “The Autistic Brain-Thinking Across the Spectrum.” Naively I thought I was going to be able to read this, originally intending on keeping tabs on him since it was the first time I let him go outside by himself.  Now, I want to cry and I wonder why I let him out.  He leaves them to go and put the box of chalk away in the backyard (because I couldn’t take any more and called him inside).  He drops the box of chalk and tries to get them to come and help pick them up and I hear these two making inside remarks and gestures like an inside joke, “what’s wrong with him, what’s he trying to do?” They regarded him as a curiosity, but I don’t think they knew about the chalk he was trying to pick up.  Sigh.

The other boy comes and she jumps up and down squealing, “He’s here, he’s here….!”  My son tries to talk to the parents walking in, but my heart aches listening to him sound out of place with his voice raised, desperately trying to get their attention.  One talks with him briefly, that was nice.  His conversation was all over the place.

I’m proud of myself for not getting aggressive, but my voice sounds acerbic as I try to tell him that he cannot follow them upstairs.  He gets upset and I take him into my room and explain again.  I distract him with some rough and tumble and he laughs.  Still, he keeps verbalizing the statement, “They have a play date and they never invite me.”  The truth is that they have a pretty busy schedule and not around when we are.

Well, just something I had to write down.  Something I had to remember.  Each day is indeed to be taken as small, tiny baby steps.  I’m glad I felt comfortable letting him go outside without seeking to shadow him.  Hopefully, next time will be better. Hopefully, there will be a next time.

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