Wow, it’s been quite a while since my last post.   I had gotten overwhelmed by stats and the need to write every day and I just wasn’t feeling it.  I need to write about something I feel deeply about.  So most of what I write is from inside me, without much back up or links to other articles except for when I really see the need for it.  My head was spinning with trying to do what everyone else was doing, thinking that was the way to success and readers coming here every day.  Well, that didn’t work either, but in the years that followed, I WANTED to come back to write, but just wasn’t inspired to.

So now that day has come.  I am in the midst of something happening in my life that I’ve not told many people about, and now I find that it’s not something I want to hide away; and also it’s too much of a burden to me to try to remember who knows what and does that person know anything.  So I’m writing here because here is where I feel the most comfortable writing to my heart’s content without the limitations of the tiny Facebook box to write in.  Yeah, I know I can write in a word processor and then copy and paste, but I didn’t want to do that… So here I am.

To be blunt, I was recently diagnosed with Advanced Uterine Cancer.  This came as a shock to me, even though I knew something was going on inside me.  I guess you can never be prepared.  The truth is that I though it was part of menopause and so didn’t think much of it.  I was a child of the sixties and when my period first came on, I was nine years old.  My mom was not the kind of woman who was comfortable talking about this kind of stuff and so, when she was forced to have the “talk” earlier than she expected, she also gathered my eight year old sister to her bosom to kill two birds with one stone.  So what I want to say is the most of what I learned about sex was whatever I could learn on my own through literature, porn magazines, and let’s not forget “The Happy Hooker.”

I am going to generalize here, but I don’t think that women in this “advanced” society are as attuned to their bodies as the women were in previous generations.  I was somewhat attuned, but in a very minor way.  I knew when I was getting my period and that’s about it.  When I was pregnant with my son, I didn’t put two and two together until a visit to the ER for not being able to put my weight on my leg.  Had a sonogram right then and there after the hospital’s pregnancy test came back positive.  I was one day short of being 7 months pregnant.  Now, after not getting my period, I did take two home tests at two different times and they were negative.  I had always had an erratic history and so I was used to that.  One top of that, my gynecologist told me that I could not have children and that I was not having periods, but having “bleeding episodes.”  Ugh another long story, that one.  So, I was totally convinced that I could not have kids.  Imagine my shock.

Anyway, getting back to my cancer as that is the reason for writing here.  Oh another thing everyone must expect from me is my penchant for going off on tangents… LOL.

So without all the details (and more tangents)  The purpose of this one writing is to get my cancer out there.  I will probably link this to Facebook so that my peeps can know that.  Not for the cancer’s sake, but so that they know that I haven’t been avoiding them.  Well, I have but not because I didn’t care.  I went through a period when I simply just could not keep it together and I was involved in some church things like serving as lector during mass, and also teaching CCD to 6th graders.  I had to give those things up because I could not commit.  I still get upset at times, but I’m a lot better now with that.

I also avoided telling people because I felt awkward just coming out with it.  I felt that I was going to ruin their day.  Who was working and I didn’t want to intrude on their workday.  Who had happy things happening in their lives and I didn’t want to ruin that, and other reasons.  Then a friend of mine who I had confided in, said to me that it was not my job to decide for each person how they were going to take the news and how they would react or respond.  She also said that those in our group, in particular, would WANT to know because we all love and support each other.  Those are my words as I don’t remember word for word.  That stuck with me.  Then I started to tell some other people, keeping that in mind.  People who were close to me, but there were people I hesitated to tell because they were newer members of our group and I wasn’t sure about them.  In the process, I don’t have my people straight in my head.  Who knows?  Who doesn’t.  Then it became a major project to make sure I call, email or text people.  What exactly doesn’t each one know?  Major headache, so this has led me to this place.  I came to WordPress because I already have blogs established here, albeit abandoned by me.  I could never delete my account, though, because my words are still here for anyone to read if they so choose.

So this will be the place I will come to write about my experiences with the Big C.  I hate saying the word Cancer or My Cancer, which is what I’ve been doing.  I will vent most assuredly.  For a long time, another reason I hesitated to tell anyone was that although I had to diagnosis, there was nothing new to report to people.  My treatment got held up for almost two whole months and that I will get into in a later post.  Insurance companies are a bitch to communicate with, if you get to at all.

I will learn along the way how to use WordPress again.  I’m sure there are new features and things going on.  I might change the name of the blog, but I don’t think so.  I want to focus on the writing part and not so much the tech part right now.

So to my friends and family.  I am sorry that I’ve kept this from you, but please understand that I had to go through a period, myself, to slowly process this information and what it means to me, my family, and how to come to grips with it and deal with it.

To a very special friend, please forgive me for staying away.  I didn’t want to dump on you more bad news after you just went through, and still dealing with your own horrible loss.

To the family and friends recently reconnected to, I just didn’t want to dump this in your laps so soon and while we are really still getting acquainted.

To those family and friends who overwhelmingly love and support me with your prayers and generosity, I am blown away.  It’s YOU who really have inspired me to fight for ME.  Through you, the sense of value I have as one of God’s creations and as a person, is hugely confirmed and validated.  My mother told me one time when I was young that I was “special” and that has stuck with me for my whole life.  Only thing is that I was waiting my whole life to see what I was going to do that was special.  When I gave birth to my son, I knew I had purpose but I still had to do a good job and make that a special thing through my actions as a mom.  I’ve come to realize that I really don’t have to have just one special purpose.  I believe that God puts us in places, and situations where we have the opportunity to do some good.  I’ve come to know that maybe these personal trials and tribulations can be a way to get closer to God through prayer.  I think of Job.

I am blessed with many friends and family who I know that I can count on for support and that is a truly major blessing and something I am very grateful for.  So I will leave this here and I will be writing more.  My next post will focus on the diagnosis and up to my first treatment which I had yesterday.  I like to keep things chronologically in order and this post was intended as an introduction of sorts.

God bless.

Advertisements