This is more than “a bit” later in the day than is logical to start a post that should have already been posted…. Oh well, here goes:

The first thing I think of when I think about this word is change.  Change from infant into something else, more mature.  Change from innocence into knowing more about life and about those things that you thought would upset you, just to realize it’s small potatoes.  For me, at this time in my life, my appearance is changing and that is tied closely to this cancer I have.  My hair has decided to accelerate departure from my head and yesterday a TON of it came out in the shower and did not stop falling out the whole day and today it’s still going on.  While I expected this to happen, as I’ve been saying over and over again, my eyes were popping out of my head, as I watched myself in the mirror, watching large handfuls of it fall out of the forest of the rest of my hair.  Today that leaves me with roughly 20% of  my hair left on my head… and it’s still coming out.

People have kindly suggested that I not worry because I can get a wig, but I don’t see that happening as hot and humid summer 2017 is upon us.  I don’t really want a wig.  Another reason is that a part of me wants to discard completely the dependency on this symbol of myself, what and where I deemed my value was.  In essence, I want to create a different image of myself to reflect more of my personality and a lot less of my sexuality.  It’s more of a reveal and letting it come forward than a creation.  I don’t even know if what I’m saying here is even intelligible or as chaotic as a basket full of miserably tangled yarn; but hopefully I will sort it out.

So.  I have this urge to discard the part of myself who is the most comfortable with thick, and long, flowing locks and those locks were her refuge.  To have my head and face bare and without that comfort is so scary but I feel that somehow it will be a Coming Out party of sorts.  My face will greet the world and I will make it as colorful and as fun as possible; a completely different me.  I never wore hats before, and though I tried to get into them, I never liked how they looked on my head.  Maybe it was because they would obscure and mess up my hair… lol…. I don’t know, but I am now looking forward to hats, and I will make hats to wear.  I am looking forward to wearing scarves on my head, too, light and gauzy ones in the summer.  I am looking forward to making and wearing huge, gigantic earrings, though I have to figure out a way to have volume without being heavy because my ear lobes will not agree to a lot of weight.  Peacock feathers!  That’s the ticket!

I know some women who wear their hair very, very short.  I never liked that for myself, in the past, but now I am looking forward to wearing my hair THAT short as it starts growing back out after my chemo, and spiking it, and maybe dying those spikes blue or purple; and of course huge blue, purple, iridescent earrings.  Those that know me know I have to wear glasses, so maybe larger lenses and definitely dark sunglasses at night.

I just came across this website and thought it might be useful:

Look Good Feel Better

I haven’t been thoroughly through this site, but I thought what I did see had a lot of info.  Grabbed this from the ABOUT US page:

At Look Good Feel Better, we believe that an improved self-image can help lift women’s spirits and nurture hope, helping them face their illness with greater confidence. We like to call it a ‘makeover for the spirit’.

Seems like they are in Ontario, Canada.  Those lucky Canadians!

KnittedHatLGFB has 110 locations across Canada.  Really worth it for a look-see.  I found their site looking for a hat pattern for making a chemo hat.  I am looking horrible and though I can use a scarf, I think a hat would stay on better until I can get one of those caps to keep the scarf on.  This is a pic of the hat…. AND it’s a free pattern.  Thank you so much, LGFB~!

When I started blogging about this, I decided to not take a pic of myself until my head was shaved and I had my new look put together\; but I’ve changed my mind and took a pic of myself today to post because I don’t want to run away from it.  The same premise as if I decided to use a wig.  1: I would be indulging my vanity, and 2: I would be in denial if I allowed myself to hide it from you, my readers and possibly also other cancer patients.  I want it to be known that losing my hair is okay and a bald head is definitely O.K.  With that said, I am NOT saying that those who choose to wear wigs are doing something I don’t approve of.  NO.  Everyone is different, and I certainly DO want to look good, and I will; but it will be in my own way.

There you have it… With every strand that falls out now, is another crack in the chrysalis.

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