Hi everyone… I just want to give some updates but please understand that I’m not very focused right now.  My brain cells are strewn all along this road I’ve been on.  I’ve not been doing very well, mentally and emotionally, due to some of these side effects.  I’m feeling drained physically and mentally and I’m feeling like I can’t do this any more, but of COURSE I will continue.

So with that behind me, I want to let you know that I’ve only THREE more radiation treatments in front of me from today — Tuesday, October 10, 2017 to end on Friday.  So, the above paragraph seems to be soon moot, right?  Sort of.  I just learned that the next step, is not “1” additional treatment, which was what I thought.  It will be FIVE additional treatments and I will explain.

First, the radiation I am receiving right now is External Beam Radiation Therapy (EBRT), meaning that the radiation originates outside of the body and is directed inside.  More of my internal organs and tissue are exposed to it and hence these side effects in my bowels, sexual organs and my whole pelvic region.  This next step is an internal radiation which is called HDR (High Dose Rate) Brachytherapy.  Five treatments of this, though not every day like the EBRT treatments are.  I have to tell you that I have been counting down the days since I was half-way finished and to be told that there are five more treatments to go was devastating to me, I quite literally broke down in the office.  The news that I was not going to have them done every day tempered my anxiety.  I have included links to the two radiation therapies which can explain the differences and procedures much better than I can.  Again, sorry if I’m not being very informative or short on explanation.  To be honest, I need to move on and ironing out my language is just not possible right now.  Aside from dwindling brain cells, my stomach is queasy which usually doesn’t happen until the afternoon.

Regarding surgery, it’s still not possible, but one of the two tumors preventing it has shrunk back quite a bit, but the second is still being a pain in the ass (almost quite literally…lol).  This means it’s still up in the air if I’m going to get the surgery.   I am happy to report that the pain has not been a problem.  The original pain in my lower left side has been totally gone since roughly the chemo therapy, then I started to get pain more in the area of my uterus or even cervix/vagina.  I was managing that with the mild pain killers Rx’d during chemo and I (think) I can say that it’s gone now for at least a week straight.


So, the one good thing about wearing adult diapers is the lack of necessity for real underwear.  Oh, they call them not adult “diapers” but adult briefs.  Everything is so PC… and I mean EVERYTHING.  Last night I felt really adventurous and went to bed without them on.  I am wondering when all this is over whether I’ll be able to get back basic control without drugs.

I’ve not spoken a lot about my skin.  There has been an intense itchiness on the outside and inside of my body.  Can’t do anything, really, for the inside but it’s not constant and for the outside, I’ve been using Aquaphor which helps.  Then there is the much talked about experiencing fatigue, nausea or queasiness, occasional light handedness and/or dizziness, and of course the brain fog.  All in all, not really that bad, or I should say, it’s been manageable.  The diarrhea has been the worst part of this whole thing.

So I’m getting tired and will just cut this off at a scant 640 of my own words or so.  Lucky you!

On Pain
 Kahlil Gibran

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.