Category Archives: Blogroll
To the mothers out there, I have an idea to throw out at you, and I would love to get input on this. It could be viewed as a bit of a taboo subject; but I think that it’s an innocent one to bring up as my approach is honest and innocent enough. Does everyone agree that the connection forged between mother and child is a sort of love affair? The emotions run deeper than I ever expected they would with my son. Even with my husband it took a long time while getting to know him that I could relax and allow a comfortable connection. With Gabriel, it was instantaneous and earth shattering, therefore in my eyes, even more dramatic than what I have with my husband. That was not bad, and it didn’t diminish in any way what I have with the Drake. Maybe it was the fact that he was a preemie, so frail looking, so vulnerable. Maybe it was the shock of my “short” pregnancy and trying to accept and adjust to being a mother; or maybe it was my hormones; but whatever it was, it was immediate and OUT OF MY CONTROL.
I first noticed this around a year ago, Gabriel was approx 9-10 months old. While playing with him, I showered him with affection, you know, little kisses and such. Well, I noticed that I was planting little kisses on his face and head. There was nothing wrong with that, but I realized they the same little kisses I like to give the Drake. Am I giving affection to my baby in the only way I know how, and that way being, the same way I show affection to my husband? Am I getting too sexual with my infant son? Am I mothering my husband? Am I the only nut out there to question this?
Well, I know that I am definitely NOT being sexual with my son; but it made me question the extent of my personal “Affection Vocabulary”. I suspect that my ‘vocabulary’ is not very extensive and I am showing affection to my son the only way I know how. It’s the feelings behind the actions and where those actions are leading that defines the motives.
We females are the nurturers. It’s a need that we all manifest in some form or another. We are probably mothering our men without realizing it. Hey, isn’t that what they want to begin with? I think so. Deep down they do. Not to say that is “all” they want! When Gabriel and I lock eyes, emotions go deep. I feel as one who is losing control and watching it happen, actually conceding as it happens. I imagine, much like the moment a women concedes to intimacy, getting lost in the moment with her man. What is different, however, is that this baby is, just that, a baby, innocent, vulnerable. I must confess that sometimes I view my husband in the same sort of light, and I am entrusted to protect this knowledge I have of his vulnerabilities.
I trust and love my baby unconditionally. Boy, does that expose my own vulnerabilities; and because of that, I am forever aware of my baby’s trust in me. I pray that I never betray this unabashed trust. We mothers are so fortuneate to be witness to one of the teachings of Jesus. Matthew 18 : 1-10 (as copied from Bibleresources.org)
“About that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?” 2 Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. 3 Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. 4 So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.
5 “And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf[a] is welcoming me. 6But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea.
7 “What sorrow awaits the world, because it tempts people to sin. Temptations are inevitable, but what sorrow awaits the person who does the tempting. 8 So if your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It’s better to enter eternal life with only one hand or one foot than to be thrown into eternal fire with both of your hands and feet. 9And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It’s better to enter eternal life with only one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.[b]
10 “Beware that you don’t look down on any of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels are always in the presence of my heavenly Father.””
Well, I hope that I’ve not gotten too controversial tonight. Please feel free to respond with any comments- as long as they are honest.
I just can’t get that other post out of my mind today, tylerpaul.wordpress.com I really love his writing style.
I thought of it today when Gabriel got on my last nerve… well almost the last. Earlier he knocked over my cold coffee all over him and the rug. That I handled pretty well. Then, while I was feeding him dinner, he insisted on trying to eat his soup with his fingers. I found myself taking a very deep breath, then I had a fleeting thought, “is this what I’ve come down to?” Then I thought of the post and of the sacrafice referred to. Pure love. It doesn’t seem like a sacrafice when it’s done with pure, unconditional love. I have a feeling that I will be thinking about these beautiful thoughts for a long time to come, hoping that when my son grows up, he will still have access to this blog. Yeah, I think I am also going to keep a written journal for his sake. I’ve got some other writings set aside for him, so this will be added to it.
The Drake just got home, so I’ll have to cut it short for now, but I plan on expanding on my thoughts here soon.
Right now, I can’t think of anything significant; but I look at my kid and wonder at the miracle that he is. I give thanks to God every day for trusting me with a life…. this life. So precious.
Yeah, sacrafice. Sometimes I feel isolated, but I do not regret giving up a personal life for Gabriel. That is the most amazing realization since I always loved my “me time”. Sitting in a nice deep chair with a cup of coffee or hot chocolate and always a book. Or, I was writing, or drawing, or doing crafts, or something. I had ALWAYS made time for me. Now, I still make time for me, but it’s harder to come by. It’s okay. Now, I jump on the computer when my kid slips into a nap. I’ll squeeze in a little knitting after parking at the park, after literally driving Gabriel to sleep. I get decent times alone, too. Like yesterday, we went to my sisters’ house and left him in her care whilst I went grocery shopping at her local A&P (I get my jollies from coupons). Then there was the Sunday that I left Gabe and Eddie alone for the afternoon while I attended Knit Out 2006 in NYC. It was great, but I spent the majority of the time traveling via subway…. still it was great. This was something that I wanted to do for 2 years now. But mostly, I love just sitting by a breezy window and either read or knit.
This is how my life is evolving, and it’s okay. Did I mention that I am an old new mommie? Must have. The best thing about it is that I have had my chance to selfishly live for me. Now, I willingly turn myself over to a life of, dare I say it, responsibility! As a matter of fact, I spent 43 years living for myself and I consider myself blessed for that opportunity, though it was not always a very happy time. But it had to be; I needed to grow and become who I am now before I could be capable of nurturing a little new life. Now I find that I’m still learning, though I still carry fantasies about retiring. I am blessed to have my life experiences behind me. A full arsenal, if you wish to think of it that way… and sometimes I do! I feel blessed that I know I will not hesitate to be open with my son and answer any question he puts to me. I did not have that luxury with my own mother.
Well, getting tired and cock=eyed.
I’ve added a trackback to this post. Not a clue as to when the most appropriate time is to use a trackback OR a pingback (ping). I <sigh> am a newbie on this site and would welcome any advice. I’ve read the FAQ on this and know that they link to another’s blog, but that’s about it.
Anyway, I’ve been reading a blog I found today, “Mormon Hippocrates” and one of the posts really touched me, called, “Because she is my mother”. I commented on his blog that I am a new mommie and as I read this, I cried. This is one heck of a POWERFUL post, delving into the depth of a mother’s love; and the author recognizing and proclaiming that recognition and his love for his mother.
My son is a little sick today, nothing serious. Just a little temp and irritability from 3 shots he got at the dr’s office yesterday. Well, he fell asleep in his high chair; and I started to read this post. I had an overwhelming urge to hold my baby and give him all the love that I could, but didn’t because he was sleeping. Then, the little girl upstairs started crying on the stairs (we can hear almost everything i this house). He woke up and I promptly ran in when he started to really get it going on; and brought him into his bedroom, hoping to get him to sleep in his crib [fat chance]. As I held him in my arms, I thought of the post I just read and knew that I will never forget this post. Of course, I started crying all over again.
Thank you again, Tyler, for your post and I will certainly keep reading your blog.