Category Archives: Introspection

Fright Night NOT Fun Daily Prompt


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Do you like being scared by books, films, and surprises? Describe the sensation of being scared, and why you love it — or don’t.

I most definitely do NOT like to be frightened or scared, much less do it to myself.  I don’t have a good constitution for that.  Literally, my nerve endings pop and seem to tear out of my skin at the very littlest thing.  When did I first know?  Oh, that would be in the woods.  The music started rising, everything got faster and faster and louder and louder, then….. BANG!  Bambi’s mother was dead….. off screen.  It’s okay, my head was buried into the hood of my parka jacket long before that evil hunter murdered an innocent doe mom.  I love Halloween, though; but hate zombies any way shape or form.

My body loves to be in a calm state.  That’s just how it is.  I won’t even watch violence on tv, though I did read “The Exorcist” and “Carrie.”  I did “Carrie” on the big screen, but not “the Exorcist.”   I love the subject matter, hate the pins-and-needles-through-my-skin excitement.  Did I ever tell you that I’m a Gemini?  Quintessential.  What that means is that this post will fluctuate back and forth and when it’s all told, you won’t really know where I stand.  No, I can’t really say that.  I’m incapable of watching really violent movies or tv shows.  I don’t watch or read mysteries, or pick up books with blood on the cover.  I never read or saw a Stephen King book or movie.  I really love Criminal Minds on tv, yet I can’t get through even half an episode without switching to another channel.  I can watch Bones, though, and a new favorite, Blacklist.

I think there is too much violence, blood and gore, must too realistic blood and gore in the movies that children go see and what is put on tv.  I’m sorry, but the generation of today is too brainwashed to know that they should not be watching this stuff.  What is so great about zombies?  Though I love that car commercial with the zombie in it, but that’s because it’s too crazy for me to think of a zombie having a civilized conversation and telling the sales girl that it’s not nice to place labels on people…. then his ear falls off and he admits that he IS a zombie… ha as if you couldn’t tell.  That commercial gets me all the time and I laugh.  Maybe this is how the powers that be desensitizes the public into believing zombies are “fun” and the next thing you know, babies are showing up all over the internet dressed up with zombie makeup.  What happened to cute Halloween costumes for the little ones, younger than teenagers?

I wonder why people like to watch scary stuff.  I mean, it’s not like there’s a decent plot except for maybe Stephen King puts out.  Why do people like to be scared by Jason and the rest (as you can see, I’m not familiar with any of  this type of pop culture, if you could call it “culture.”  WHY does Hollywood resort to this sort of thing in the first place?  Can’t they tell a decent story without all this crap?  Why is it necessary?  Oh, because people love to be frightened.  Why?  Are they missing something in their lives and this sort of thing reassures them that they’re still alive?  Can’t that electrical alive sensation be gotten from somewhere else?  It’s not even a good feeling, people.

You know, I don’t like those big rides at amusement parks, either.  Too much adrenalin does not do my body good.  I’m starting to feel sad for those people who need to scare themselves to death into this thing we call life.  Hmm  That’s kind of ironic, wouldn’t you say?

So, I’m sure there will be people out there who will take an exception to my musings today.  I’m talking about the Horror genre.  Maybe you can lay it out for me why you are attracted to scary movies, books and the blood and gore.  Also, what about this late entry into the mix of adrenalin pumping rides that can be kind of dangerous yet we can’t be pulled away from riding them proudly dozens of times?  What’s the draw to pay whatever you are paying to be scared?

And the Summer Turns to Fall


So I wrote a post yesterday on predominately “failing” friendships called, “Everything Has It’s Season.”  I want to expand on one thought and it’s something I feel that is another part and should be said.

Once those needs no longer exist, then there is nothing to hold you bound to that person anymore. Some people can accept this and some people can’t.     

What I want to say about this statement is that, yes, when a need is not there anymore, there is nothing to bind you to the other person; but what I did not say in my last post is that sometimes we choose to stay in the relationship because there are other things there that we like, love or admire about that person.  I’m bringing this up because I had this happen to me when I realized that what had drawn me to a person was not there anymore or maybe never was.  I still found things that were endearing and I was hanging on.

He was a man whom I had met and we shared a love for word games, puns, erotic poetry.  He was over-the-top hilarious, but super, super intelligent.  He was a base player in a raw rock band, hailing from Smithville, NJ.  We it it off immediately and I also hit it off with his friends and bandmates.  Could you ask for more?  He was a giant of a man, but very gentle, honestly, a Gentile Giant.  To hug I actually hat to stand a few steps on some stairs and he stood at the bottom.   For some reason, though, he never invited me back to see him, and I moved on in real life.  Over the internet, though, we continued to keep in touch.  He was deliciously bawdy and we had a blast.

To make a long story short, eventually I did come to my senses.  The problem was that, in his thirties, or early forties, he had no life goals and was not really working towards settling down.  I, however, wanted to settle down.  I was tired of not having a place of my own and needed some security.  He had a great personality, and could make me laugh like I never laughed before, but he was going nowhere in life other than the wild life of a musician.  When my hubby came along, I finally made the decision to move on completely.  DH was serious about settling down and I was more than ready at that point to leave my own wild days behind me, so I cut the last string with Blue on Black Man and the rest is history.

A commenter of my last post brought up the point that de-friending people on facebook does not necessarily mean that they don’t want to be friends in real life.  I agree with that, and that’s fine.  It that were the case, though, I would appreciate that person just letting me know or just keep in touch other ways.

I read a great post today over at Making the Connections Blog called “Where Does the Good Go?”  I recommend reading it for a really personal experience of struggling with making the decision to let go of a friendship.

Everything Has It’s Season


A friend of mine is de-friending me on facebook.  She says that she’s just doing it without a word to me because she doesn’t want a “confrontation.”  I’m wondering why she would think that there “would” be a confrontation.  Facebook seems to give people the courage to say things they never would.  The facelessness of it?  The free announcement that is stated to be the least invasive as possible, no mess?  I wonder why she is waiting to swing the ax.

Why does she not feel that she could simply ask me a question and get some answers to whatever is bugging her?  I see this happen all the time.  People feel slighted or get annoyed, then think the right thing to do is detach themselves.  That’s not the right thing, but it’s the easiest thing.  They can detach, then pat themselves on the back and go on with their lives thinking it was the only thing they could do and it makes them feel better, justified… and then, maybe it IS the best thing to do.

This is not meant to be a “bashing” post, so I’m not going to sling the personal issues around.  I mean, there are always issues, right?   I’d like to see if I could speak from the perspective of examining why friends won’t simply reach out to one another when they feel something just isn’t right, instead of going right to canceling the friendship.  Maybe I don’t want to examine it.  Maybe I just want to throw the question out there.  I might find it hard to talk about it without drawing in the personal issues and speculation of said issues because that would just be one-sided.

Also, people would rather stay in a strained relationship for years, getting themselves sick; and yet they will not address their issues with their friends.  What IS friendship?  Does it have conditions?  Is it supposed to?

Sometimes people are meant to just float in and out of each others’ lives.  We need them, they appear, then they’re gone. Sometimes, no matter how close we think we are, or want to be, we simply are not.  Life gets in the way.  Economics certainly gets in the way sometimes if you do not live in the same neighborhood anymore. Maybe something like not being able to afford the trip is too embarrassing to talk about.  Maybe a friendship seems one-sided when one person thinks they’re the one making all the effort with phone calls and what not.  Maybe life puts you both on the opposite ends of the spectrum.  Maybe life just makes you tired, and at the end of the day you want to isolate yourself from life and the problems it throws at your feet. Maybe you just don’t want to talk anymore.  Maybe a friendship seems unsustainable when life throws in too many crowbars to enjoy it.  Maybe because you feel that it’s all these things, that you have become contaminated friendship material.

Well, I’m not sure what I’ve done here, but what I am sure about is that I have a few certain needs like for once someone would seek me out to ask the questions they need to.  I guess I’ve never had anyone come to me and ask me to explain myself. This is kind of funny to me because a lot of people have the attitude that “they are who they are and if anyone doesn’t like it, they can F’ off.” What is funny is that I don’t have a problem explaining myself to anyone…. if ONLY they asked the question…. and maybe a friend of mine would already know that….

Oh, I’ve had plenty of people get angry at me for various reasons, but never asked me why I had the position I did.  Plenty of times I had to be considerate of other’s views if they conflicted with mine, and that was okay; but I’m a little tired lately that people will not do the same for me.  It seems like people enjoy getting angry. People enjoy pointing out to you that you’re wrong about something and provide plenty of links that say that they are right and you are wrong.

You see, I’ve also taken a stand and don’t mind when people walk out of my life because for some reason they feel that they need to.  I am not going to fight it because that is the way life works.  People come and people go.  People are with you for something you can do or give them, or for something they can do or give to you.  One has a need and one fills that need. Once those needs no longer exist, then there is nothing to hold you bound to that person anymore.  Some people can accept this and some people can’t.  This happened in my first marriage.  He was insecure and struggling through college on two levels, financially and academically.  When he finally got his degree, he wanted a divorce.  I supported him through his time in college emotionally and also contributed to our household financially.  This also happens with regular friendships.  Of course in most cases, this is not a premeditated thing.  We don’t go into relationships thinking what am I going to gain from this person.  Yeah, one person will suffer because they will feel hurt, but if you accept that this is the way of the world, eventually you will pick yourself up and shake the dust off your shoes and travel on.  That might sound cold, but it’s still the way of the world.

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To Speak or Not to Speak


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Daily Prompt: Standout

When was the last time you really stood out in a crowd? Are you comfortable in that position, or do you wish you could fade into the woodwork?

This morning I am sitting here listening to my Barry Manilow music…. loudly.  It’s not too often that I play loud music.  My son is very sensitive to loud noises, but I’ve been noticing lately that since he got interested in drums, he’s been tolerating it, soooo…. Today’s assignment seems to be an extension of yesterday’s Daily Post, “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall,” which is fine by me.  It suits me, actually, because it’s like one of my long-winded tangents, except this one is legal.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to blend into the woodwork.  As a kid and young woman, I either was not interested in the conversation or if I was, I could not find the right places to interject my voice.  I had a bad stutter, and that combined with my lack navigations skills, could not get a word in edgewise.  By the time I could get my thought into the circle, the conversation was two or three topics ahead and nobody even acknowledged I said anything.  Yeah, I noticed that and eventually, I just stopped trying to talk.  Even later on, I stopped even trying to seek out being with people.  I was happy miserable.

I can safely say that the last time I “stood out” in a crowd, had their attention, was at my mother’s funeral.  I actually got up and said a few words about my mother.  I have no idea where that came from, but it felt good to have everyone silent and to so obviously know that I had the crowd’s attention.  Since then, my husband and I became lectors at our church and so, of course, when we are reading, people are giving us their attention.  A few cell phones may go off…..

A long while ago, I took a speech class, an adult education class at a local high school.  That was the best thing I could ever do for myself.  Instructions on the different forms of speeches and how to put them together, in the right situation, and how to deliver them.  I gained a sense of confidence from that experience, and really, that’s all you need.  Well, you need your head, to keep it, I mean.  Then there was one time I taught a customer service class to new employees to an inbound calling center.  I had expressed to my manager that my dream was to teach customer service and she gave me that chance.  I had a supervisor sit in on the class and I was supposed to get feedback from the higher uppers.  Unfortunately, I never got that feedback because word came down that the company was dissolving our department and letting all of us go.  The focus was then shifted to closing everything down…. and so it goes.

My last word on this is that now I do enjoy standing out in a crowd, but only if I feel confident and passionate about what I am talking about.  I do not readily feel intimidated as I used to.  I’ve learned to stand up for my beliefs and not feel ashamed of them amongst a crowd that does not share them.  I’ve also learned to respect differing beliefs.  I’ve learned that there are times to steam roll ahead with my thoughts and that there are times when I should not.  Deep down, and for different reasons, it’s always more comfortable for me to fade into the woodwork and what I am the most grateful for right now is that now it’s become a choice.

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