There is no more lovely, friendly or charming relationship, communion or company, than a good marriage. ~Martin Luther
Category Archives: Marriage
A good friend of mine is getting married December of 2011. Being a knitter, the first thing I thought about was, “OH. I can make her a shawl or something.” Well, she picked out Gail (aka Nightsongs), a beautiful, yet free pattern that she happened to pick out. Though I love lace, I do have a hard time connecting to knitting charts which most lace knitting patterns are written as. As luck would have it somebody actually created something called an “UNchart” which is sort of a part written and part charted pattern. It was love at first sight!
So, the yarn that Paula pick out is Sterling Silk and Silver by Kraemer Yarns in Tuxedo colorway (black). 63% Superwash Merino, 20% Silk, 15% Nylon, 2% Silver ~3.5 oz./ 100 Grams, approximately 420 Yards. This stuff is lovely. Real sterling silver threads run all through this stuff. Recently, Kraemer’s was forced to give up getting real silver threading because it’s getting harder and harder to get, so now they have some other fake material substituting for the silver…. SO, I am making this shawl, with one of the last skeins available with the sterling silver inside. Nice gift, eh!
I had completed the majority of the shawl when it got really hot this summer. Of course, I totally abandoned the project knowing I had plenty of time. About a week ago, I picked it back up and as of tonight, I’m up to the last 19 knitted rows for the edging. My eyes were giving me some problems at about 11pm, so I stopped for tonight and will resume tomorrow… I can’t wait to get this thing done, but I’m loving it and watching the leaves develop and I’m really looking forward to blocking this baby using my relatively new blocking wires. This will be the first project I’m using them for and excited…. Well, as excited as you can get, considering.
Yeah, I was pretty boring tonight, but I did want to document this shawl in some way and have been meaning to do it…. PLUS this will be the first post on my knitting blog in a LONG time, so it really was begging to be done.
Now for something really important. I have a wedding to go to at the end of March 2012 and I’m considering asking Paula if I could borrow her shawl… hee hee. We’ll see…. I have no idea what I’m wearing for that yet, but I do know that I don’t have any elegant piece like this to speak of in my wardrobe. After completing this one, I’ve got some serious Christmas knitting to start, so I can’t even whip out another shawl right now.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ~1 Corinthians 13:2
Oh well, searching for this quote has pushed me past 12 midnight and so I’ve lost the post a day challenge. That’s okay, though, because I have love.
This was my tree last year.
I name this post for the subject of my post. Her name is Petra and has a son, Lennon, who is loveable, kind, gentle, loving, and just the best son ever…. except when his ammonia levels skyrocket. When this happens, he becomes very aggressive, disoriented, incoherent and has been described as appearing to be a bit crazy. In other words, he becomes a totally different child. Normal ammonia levels are 50-60. I do believe I read that Lennon’s had gotten as high as in the 300’s. Lennon is of preschool age. He has already had two liver transplants. Lennon has Urea Cycle Disorder. Please check out the link for this genetic disease. Can you imagine this happening to your child? I am sitting here doing just that. I cannot imagine myself living through, and witnessing what my friend has witnessed happening to her son. All I can think of is that I have a hard time when my preschooler gets a cut, let alone going through life saving surgery and the gory details that go along with it… just to NOT get graphic about it. Just to think of their little perfect bodies enduring what seems impossible… becomes a reality. It’s a hard reality for mothers to come to grips with; and at the same time, no one should have to experience.
I’m not writing Petra’s whole story here, but if you’re interested, you can find it here. The reason for my writing is that I want to get her story out. She is not asking for donations; but as it happens, she does have an Etsy shop, HERE. She does wonderful work with beads and pyrography, or, wood burning.
I don’t make it a practice to advertise for other people, but I was moved to, today. I figure, “Hey, it’s the Holiday season and maybe someone is out there shopping around for gifts.” A part of me felt powerless until I thought of writing about her. After being paired with Petra in a beading swap, we corresponded ourselves into a friendship that has survived a few long spells of not corresponding. She made me a beautiful bracelet that rests so pretty on my wrist. It doesn’t happen often, that I will just love something that wasn’t made by me. She seems to know what I like.
I saw this question on Friday but I forgot which blog I saw it on~ Parent Blasters or something like that. They were asking for contributions, but the deadline was Friday, so it was too late for me to participate. Nevertheless, this is a worthy question to ponder. Well, the obvious first thought I could give is that I never thought that I would become a parent at all, let alone ever think there would be a time I’d sit back and think about what kind of mother I am, the kind of mother I want to be. Now, I wonder what am I really capable of and what limitations I have. I think it’s very important to know your limitations. The first of which is the fact that I’ve been thinking about this since yesterday, Friday, but have not been writing anything down. So, I sit here now, at the eleventh hour, trying to both remember my thoughts and string them together in a comprehensible fashion.
As I sit here, I simply cannot think….. The more I do, however, I come to the conclusion that everything I have been in the past, everything I have learned as part of my own, personal, education has helped to make me a mother. I feel as though everything I have learned, everything I’ve experienced in my own life up to now, has culminated into the grand scheme of “mother” I am supposed to be for my child. I get visions of my life flashing before my eyes as if it were a near death experience and everything, every little dot and crossed “t” has now shown itself to be critical for my success as a mother.
If you don’t know me, or my story, I’ll go back a little and say that I have spent my whole life “waiting” for something, unbeknownst to me, to happen in my life. It was something that I just felt. Another predominant feeling of mine has been that I never thought that I would/could make a good mother. I never had the patience for kids of any age, though it’s always been easy for me to talk to children and they to me. The secret was that I actually listened to them and conversed with them. Still, I was a very flighty person and NEVER committed to anything, even if I was pretty sure I’d follow through. Although, I always wondered what a girl child of mine would look like, my desire for one never went beyond that. Part of my aversion to parenthood was that my life was never settled, never stable. When I was married in my twenties, we tried for a baby, but never got pregnant, so I thought that I could not get have them. It seemed so simple to me. Motherhood was not meant to be for me. What I didn’t realize was that something inside me did not want my then husband to be the father of any of child of mine. I am sure that thought is something that tobeme can really appreciate. My body refused to have normal, predictable cycles so that I could conceive. Well, that and the stress of the marriage that I was totally unaware of; which goes to show you how young and mentally immature I really was. The end result was no kids and as time went by, I was happy with my life minus the responsibility of raising a family. I came and went as I pleased. I digress. Then and now.
As I got older, I grew as a person; and one day I realized that the wealth I have to offer a child was not that of money, but of experience, life and pure, unconditional love. I am, and have always been a source of a never ending spring of love. I always felt love welling up from inside me and I had nobody to give it to. It felt immensely frustrating and heartbreaking to me. I wondered why God had done such a thing to me. Ah, the impatience of a 17 year old. I had always thought that I needed a man, a partner, a companion, a husband to shower all this love down onto. Well, the man that I am married to now appreciates it, but he is a very independent guy and really doesn’t need it; and though he likes it, I realize I can easily smother him. As a matter of fact, I smothered too many men and quite effectively chased them away with my attentions. God’s hand moved.
What makes me a mother like no other to my child is my treasure of knowledge, such as it is. Ah, this kind of treasure is worthless, indeed, invisible, if it’s not shared. I just happen to be poised in the perfect position to share because I have resolved to keep the lines of communication open. It will be a difficult line to manage as I want to be a “mother”, yet I want my boy to feel as though he can tell me anything. My sister became her kids’ “friend”, but I know I don’t want to go to the extreme down that road. I am prepared to listen to my kid. I am prepared to explain myself and my motives to my kid. I am prepared to invite questions from my kid. I am prepared to apologize to my kid (if appropriate). I am prepared to make my kid feel that he is important, that he matters, that I value his thoughts, his opinions, whatever they may be. One thing I noticed with young kids is that they know when adults are just patronizing them. The kid that is hurt the most is not the kid that is abused, but the kid that is ignored. Remember The Breakfast Club? When that was said in the movie, it struck a painful chord with me. It was Ally Sheedy’s character, Allison. She was the “weird” one. I WAS THE WEIRD ONE.
Another quality that I have that makes me a mother is that I never really lost my childhood. I love to play and I know the importance of nurturing the inquisitive mind. I allow my son to experience anything and everything up to the point of his personal danger, however that may manifest, be it a busy street, to dog, bird and cat poop in the yard and spiders in the water cans. Those of you who are acquainted with my quirkiness for English, probably have an idea already that I refuse to speak to my kid in baby talk. It’s not that I am trying to push him out of his childhood, but I want him to learn proper English, and not think his made up words are correct. I understand his words, but repeat back to him the proper word. I praise him, but I use the proper word. Eventually, he’ll get it.
I am sitting here wondering what else makes me a mother and I look around the place. This part of the house is also my son’s play area. It’s 9:30 at night and every box of his is empty, all toys strewn about. I have learned to act as if I do not notice. I may or may not pick all this stuff up; but probably will just because tomorrow the boy’s Nanny (grandmother) will be coming over. She really doesn’t mind, but if I don’t put a reason there to do it, it won’t get done. I’ve freely given the boy more and more territory. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ve got to put more and more of my stuff away in storage just so that they can survive to the next era of “normalcy” around here. A time when adult items can be proudly be out in the open without fear of death or destruction. I do this with a smile as this idea was a “light bulb moment” when a solution was needed to stop my yelling at the boy because he was going after my stuff, no matter how high I put things. Ah, precious dragons are put aside for precious boy.
Though I have more patience with him than I ever thought I would have, there are times when I blow up. There have been a few of them… but more than I care to admit. I sigh a long, hard sigh. This is one of my limitations. I pray about it. I think about it and I try to be aware of my tendency to flash a tornado at him. I try to think why I am “really” upset and more often than not, the situation was caused directly by my lack of forethought than the baby “being bad”. Lack of forethought is when I forget to take things I don’t want him to fool with out of his way before he sees them… like the bottle of soda he is increasingly becoming more enamored with each day.
My son is really learning some words now. Already I am sharing his joy when I see his excitement of showing us what words he knows and that he knows he knows them. Got that? I love seeing his little light bulb light up when he is successful at what he is attempting, whatever it is, be it going down a slide for the first time or taking off his socks. I’ll never forget the light in his eyes (or mine) when I found the Land of the Lost Boy’s Socks under his crib~18 pairs! He loves to learn, God bless his heart, and we will try to keep the opportunities coming to him. He is learning to say the letters by letters on the fridge and Newman’s Own Alphabet graham cracker cookies… hubby’s great idea! I wonder how many bags of that stuff we’ll have to buy! DH says that the whole alphabet is represented in every bag. Did I mention that I would not be half the mother that I am if I did not have an excellent example of what a father should be in the person of the Drake? If I have an unending source of love, HE’s got an apparently unending source of patience! I love him and still want to be the mother of HIS children! See how God implants everything you need to start into your being? Like a kit. It’s called intuition. I knew during our first date together.
I am tired but somehow I don’t think I’ve managed to say much <again>. Though I ache for bed this night, I would be remiss if I did not write a little more. Like any other kid, I learned a lot from my own mother, but not in the way that you’d expect. My own mother never really talked to us. She was very intelligent and intuitive to a degree, yet, there was never true communication between us. I do not feel as if I ever truly knew her, or who she was. Not all her fault either as I was to blame, too; but hey, she was the parent in that equation and her responsibility to take the lead, not I, the immature child. She just left it alone, giving up, whatever. I’ll never know. I have made peace with my mother, though. I realize that she was somehow incapable of anything more than she was. I know she made sacrifices for us, big ones, but very subtle. She sacrificed herself, her identity to be our mother. She sacrificed being our “friend” to be our Mother, capital M. She shut herself off to us perhaps because she found herself in the position of the needed disciplinarian while my father was out working 2 and 3 jobs. She was very sensitive, too, and that was probably why she had to shut herself down emotionally… so that we kids would know that she meant business.
Remember, babies never did, or ever will come with a user’s manual. My mother’s mother did not talk to her… and so the cycle repeated itself, for one last generation. I am where the buck stopped last…. to die. Pretty smelly here as I do not have a manual, either; but I am planting my lavenders, rosemarys, and lemon tyme to stifle the stench and my baby will someday help me plant my garden. He will someday learn how to knit if he still wants to by then. The world will be his oyster if oysters are not wiped off the face of the earth by then.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Gotta go and fold some laundry!
Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
I’ve never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams
I don’t know how you do what you do
I’m so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I’m amazed by you
The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me
Baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart
Oh, it feels like the first time, every time
I want to spend the whole night in your eyes
Every little thing that you do
I’m so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I’m amazed by you
Heard this on the radio today and………….. remembered.
I remembered how love feels. People too often get caught up in the rigidity of every day life. Our schedules get in the way of spontaneity, thought and feeling the feelings and some thing inside always suffers. Life as a couple may not notice right away as both people might be blind to it; but eventually, somebody notices and slight manifestations of negativity start to occur. The little idiosyncrasies that we find endearing start to bug us.
A lot of what brings people together is taken for granted over time in the sense that we have a “knowing”, but deep feelings are not allowed in every minute of every day. What is happening is that they are skipping over the very reasons that brought the couple together in the first place.
Just because we “know” why we are together does not mean that we should tuck it safely away into storage. We must keep those reasons in the forefront of our thoughts and keep them pliant in our minds. We must always be ready to take the time to express our love, even if it’s in little snippets during the time you are together. A slight touch on exposed skin, a long meaningful look goes a long, long way. The eyes are the windows to the soul. Look long and deep (if allowed) into your love’s eyes. What you will find there is no less than amazing. Eyes that address and acknowledge you every day are transformed into the twinkling, beautiful essence of why we love…. and they go deep.
There IS a certain amount of security that comes with “knowing” we love and are loved. It makes every day life so much easier, and difficult times easier to weather. However, when the feeling part is missing, our relationships become one dimensional, like cut-outs of Barbie and Ken. Stand them up. Put the clothes on them. Take the clothes off. Put the clothes back on. Take them back off again. Period. They can’t even have sex…. oops I said it. Notice how I said it, “They can’t even have sex.” Add a bit of “feeling” and that can be said, “I can’t wait to make wonderful, beautiful love with you.”
With feeling, every day monotony transforms into colorful fantasy. With feeling, comes spontaneity and playfulness. You can be level headed one minute, and throw your lover on the bed the next second. Where did that come from?
After my last post about the Drake and Valentine’s Day, I’ve been wanting to post something that balances the scales a little bit. Oh, and I preface by saying that the following is not motivated by anyone online, here; but from my “other” life.
As you may (or may not) know, I am a stay at home mom… so no income actually flows in from my person. Even though people say that raising a child is a job, and my part of this partnership, AND I must say that I agree with all that…. I still must say that I find it hard asking for money for myself and my own entertainment. I do know that I am entitled to money that comes in from my drake; but I’m too independent that way, and I am used to having my own money, however little it ever was. My Drake knows this and leaves me $$$ every week so I do not have to ask for it. We have a special “place” and there is always something in there. Whenever I go out, he gives me $$ even when he knows I have it from our little treasure chest. If that were not enough, he gives me $$ specifically for gas for MY car.
Today, I went to Ikea for a small bookshelf for Little Drake’s books and got the okay for $100.00. Good Shopper Mommie found one, not the one I really wanted; but for $30.00, she could not resist. Then, she bought some stuff for herself and for the house. I have told Big Drake that I will pay him for my private stuff from babysitting that I do every other week and he said, “OK”; but I know that when it comes time to pay him, he will tell me to forget about it…. so here there it is.
I absolutely KNOW that some people will judge my drake because he doesn’t follow the accepted husband protocol for Valentine’s Day. Do they know what goes on the rest of the time? Do they know how his mind works, or for that matter, how our relationship works? No. What is even worse than that is the fact that I hate to be asked about how we spent the day/night, really meaning, “what did he get you.” The last thing I want, or need, is to feel that I must recap everything else he does for me the rest of the year to justify not getting a gift that cuts the mustard in their eyes.
All The Time
by: Barry Manilow
All the time I thought
There’s only me
Crazy in a way
That no one else could be
I would have given everything I own
If someone would have said you’re not alone
All the time I thought
That I was wrong
Wanting to be me,but needing to belong
If I had just believed in all I had
If someone would have said you’re not so bad
All the time, all the wasted time
All the years, waiting for a sign
To think I had it all
All the time
All the time I thought
There’s only me
Crazy in way that no one else could be
I can’t believe that you where somewhere too
Thinking all the time there’s only you
All the time, all the wasted time
All the years, waiting for a sign
To think I had it all
All the time
Well, I’m sitting here trying to write with my two year old in the next room keening over his lost mommie. Well guys, it looks like I was saved today by the snow. Big Drake called out of work and was home all day! That was a gift in itself. I made oat waffles with Splenda and I must say they were pretty good. Of course, I did not use syrup, but I put some sour cream on them. Then I cleaned up and BD took LD (Little Drake) out of the area to give me some peace.
After a nice leisurely shower, I never came out of our bedroom for the rest of the morning. Beforehand, I stocked it up with my yarn stuff and laptop. Give me those two things, and I can be holed up until the yarn runs out or we have a blackout, whichever comes first. After a while, I presented BD with a card and candy; and of course, he acted surprised (or he was). Strike #1- He made no move to give me anything…. ugh, Mr. Anti-commercialism is in the house! Oh well, I would like to say that “maybe” he was foiled by the snow, but my real suspicion is that he planned on calling out of work all along. I can safely assume that most of the time he is rushing home straight from work so that I can do my stuff… but that doesn’t really wash, either, because there are some days that he doesn’t come right home (when I’m not doing anything) and just last night, he brought home some water from the store. He said something like he would have gotten me candy but I’m diabetic now…. ahem… Strike #2- I put my order in for a little bamboo plant, shaped like a heart, that Walgreens was selling for Valentine’s Day. Uh oh… busted! I can get over that. I’ll just go out and get my own bamboo plant, on clearance at that, with his money… well, because now that I’m not working, it’s all his money anyway.
I am so impressed by myself! I did not say anything about not getting a gift. As the day progressed, he took over watching LD; so I guess my gift was a day off. He even gave the baby a bath… whoo hoo! Hey, this is only the second bath BD has to the baby in his whole life! Ah, as I write, I hear daddy getting son off to bed.
Let me tell you about our dinner. I decided to play devil’s advocate and asked BD what he wanted to do for dinner. He said that he didn’t want to chance going out with all the ice on the ground, so we stayed in. I whipped up some nice shrimp parmigiana with sauce and shrimp from the freezer and pasta. Voila! Great dinner that we both could eat. Wow, what a wife!
While we all ate, I casually said (I am so bad), “Now, wasn’t this better than White Castle?”
Strike #3- His answer was, “Yeah, in a way.” At this point, I’m not really surprised by this answer, and he went on. “They do it up real nice there with flowers and table cloths on the tables.”
I’m like, “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, they’ve been doing it for the past few years.”
“Is this all the time, or just for Valentine’s Day?”
“Just for today. They decorate it really nice. Next time.” (Strike #4?)
I am thinking, “Next time?” Okay, so now, at least, I get the reasoning behind the insanity. He wants me to see how White Castle celebrates V-Day and how they “draw in” the customers from the Spanish restaurant next door. Yep, thank YOU for the snow. I am still impressed by myself at not making any snotty remarks.
Little Drake is now safely tucked into bed; and to be honest, I would not be writing and posting tonight if Big Drake did not give me a day off… so he’s still the light in my eyes. I’ve been looking at him all day… he’s got no idea what is going through my head. I saw that a couple of times today, he was sort of feeling me out on this no gift thing… and I might be confounding him right now by not mentioning it at all. Now ladies, isn’t that what we live for?
Seriously, I have been through so much in my life. I’ve spent most of my life feeling unbearably lonely. I was married for eight of those years to a man who was overbearing, very self centered, and petty. When God gave me The Drake, he was the greatest gift I could ever ask for. Given my past experience with men, he goes beyond my wildest hopes for a man, love, companion. Never did I believe that I could meet someone like him. Gratitude has been a big part of our relationship. We are both very grateful to God for bringing us together. We both believe that we were groomed, by God, for this very moment, and we are grateful.
Since I discovered my self worth, I’ve been looking for a man who was “worthy” of me. I know that might sound so self centered and egotistical; but that is honestly how I felt. The Drake is someone who inspires me daily to be more than I am by just who he is…. he really does nothing to consciously make me feel that way- it’s just him. That is all that he really needs to do; but he is also a very gentle, loving man. A great father and I am very proud to have him as the father of my child. What you see is what you get, nothing more, nothing less. No games… ever. Sometimes I say something that is supposed to be a joke and he, ever the straight man, he will seriously answer me. Well, I just find it totally endearing.
All strikes are cancelled!
February is a Romantic month. Maybe it’s the cold, or maybe red is a hot color, heating up the libido. Maybe Valentine’s Day is the reason for the breed’n. Or maybe, just maybe February happens to be a special month for DH and I because our wedding anniversary falls within it’s cold/warm 28 (or 29) days. Ha. I just have to share the irony with you guys.
When DH and I started dating, he let me know in no uncertain terms that he does not participate in the proliferation of the commercialism of holidays. Not Christmas, and not Valentine’s Day. It’s not that he doesn’t celebrate Christmas, but he refuses to go crazy buying gifts during the season- too much pressure. He likes to focus more on birthdays and other little gifts for people during the year. Probably also because he has 14 nieces and nephews and it got crazy for him at Christmas time. Valentine’s Day was not on his list of special days, either, though I knew this was because he never really had a reason to do anything special with anyone before. So, he ran down the list, no cards, no flowers, no chocolates… It seemed absurd to me; but hey, I was in my “love” stage and knew that he was still a very giving man in other ways. Well, the day came and I did get a card, but no flowers. I am a woman, after all and I was, well, disappointed… but focused on the beautiful hand written sentiment on the inside of the card. To this day, he goes out of his way to avoid spending money for the sake of Valentine’s Day.
Okay, so comes time to set a date for our wedding and Valentine’s Day became “it” for practical reasons, though sentimental, if you can believe that. DH wanted our friends and relatives to come to our wedding from far places without the strain of having to rush home right after the ceremony. I think that year Columbus or President’s Day fell somewhere right in there to create a 3 day weekend. We wanted it to be a little reunion for our family and friends on our special day and hoped that the occasion would provide a romantic setting for them on V-Day.
Let me comment here about big weddings, in general:
Big weddings are a waste of money. Let me repeat that, Big weddings are a BIG waste of money. YE$, women tend to stress out over them because we want everything to be perfect. More stress added when the guy doesn’t seem interested and THEN gets jittery because you are spending $$$($). Women tend to get carried away with the details and soon everything is blown out of proportion. I must say that our wedding was bigger than we really wanted, though it was not what you would call extravagant.
Our reception was at a VFW in DH’s home town (Clark, NJ) and our wedding pictures were taken underneath a fighter helicopter in the mud on a cold and wet Feb. 14th. We splurged on a band and not a DJ. Even my white wedding gown was really a miscommunication between us (mostly DH’s). I did not want the spectacle of a white gown, but when DH told me that he was getting a t-u-x… well, I thought that I had to get a gown to match his outfit. Then later, DH said that he got the impression from ME that I wanted all that. Well, once the white gown was a part of it, all other traditional stuff seemed to follow, though was kept to a tasteful minimum. Oh, in DH’s family the tradition was to get neck ties for all the men in the family the same color as the wedding party. I thought that was so cool, so I ordered up quite a few from the internet. What color? RED RED RED. I just love a real bright red. There was one year that the only color in my closet was, you guessed it, red. My uncle made a scene because he very adamantly would not wear the tie. He fought back saying he didn’t want to be told how to dress… ugh… I told him that he didn’t have to wear it and explained the whole idea. Okay, so he comes to the wedding in his own red tie. Drama Queen.
Bottom line here… DH will never forget either our wedding anniversary OR Valentine’s Day. Can’t beat two in the hand! I could NOT have engineered this myself, even if I wanted to. Last year, I was confined to bed with pregnancy so we didn’t do anything or go anywhere, but it was still nice. This year, he actually penciled in our dinner to be at WHITE CASTLE. Can you imagine this? I’ve commented directly to him plenty of times that I hate that place and that their belly bombs do not agree with me. Even more so now that I have diabetes, I would not go there. He say’s “it’ll be nice, they have flowers on the tables”, or something like that…. I don’t know, am I crazy to not really be angry about this? It’s part of his quirkiness that he would have the audacity to finally get me there on V-Day. His extreme counter-move against the ever encroaching commercialism is sort of endearing. We’ll see what really happens. My strategy is that I will graciously offer to make him a special dinner, complete with homemade dessert. If that fails, I will bring my own dinner because, really, I can’t eat that junk anymore.
Seriously though, sometimes DH just doesn’t THINK… or he’s in denial or something. Maybe it’s just a joke? His first one since I know him? Maybe THAT is the present? Maybe this is a cosmic attempt to test the depth of my love for this man. I will report back on the 15th, the ives of February.
Let’s get serious about people and weddings. This conversation is going on over at The Naked Soul & Buddha Warrior. I was going to comment on those blogs; but , sorry guys, my comments got very long and personal so I decided to express them here being I haven’t written anything thoughtful here in a while.
I think that people seriously do not know what they are getting into when they get married; and for some, even after failed marriages, still do not fully grasp what marriage is all about. I think that most people assume it’s the “next step”, “the thing to do.” Certainly this is proliferated by all those aunties out there asking, “When are you going to get married? You have such a pretty face!”
First and foremost, marriage should be taken seriously, not just a means to an end, such as financial security or the means to get out of the parental home. Society tends to regard the institutions of Marriage and Family as disposable and not important enough to support. It’s no secret that our (American) society is not family friendly, not really. Oh, yes, they target and exploit families to make money, but many actual businesses are not family friendly at all when dealing with their employees... which is a subject for another time.
Society accepts divorce just as readily as it accepts McDonald’s as being a healthy choice of food, oblivious as to exactly how that food is procured, prepared and marketed. Well, I speak for the time before “Super Size Me” and “Fast Food Nation”. Sadly, even now, after the facts were revealed, millions of people flock to fast food establishments. Similarly, people are flocking to the divorce courts, without even attempting to heal their marriages. Then a lot of them rush right back into the marriage bed with someone different only to begin the nasty cycle again.
I believe having old fashioned values is the best way to go. There is something to be said for abstaining from sex before marriage, extending courtesies to our partners, and plain old respect. I do not agree with the idea that people should test each other out to see if they are sexually compatible. If the love is there, you should have no problem. Though undeniably important in a marriage, sex should not be the priority. If approached from this viewpoint, it can prove to be immensely helpful later on if something happens that should prevent the couple from having sex either on the long term or permanently. People get sick, impotency, etc. Stuff happens. Imagine how a man would feel if/when he becomes impotent, thinking that it’s important to his partner? But if going into the marriage the emphasis is on more important things like honesty, trust and respect, he will be a little more at ease knowing that his wife loves him no matter what. I know it’s not all there is to that because I am sure that he will need reassurance from his wife… but it will be easier for him to believe her. Aside from all that, marital s-e-x is not all fantasy and even if it is, how long could that be sustained? Sure, we need to always be attentive to our partner’s needs, but every couple does settle into their own cradle of bliss and it’s different for everyone.
Too many times I see couples breaking up over petty issues, really non-issues. Women expect too much from their men and visa versa, taking our partners for granted, etc. The woman fully expects the man to provide the means for everything they do together. The man expects the woman to be available for him whenever the mood strikes him that he wants to see her. At the other extreme, the man will expect the woman to pay her way, even if he was the one to request and plan the date. The woman makes a scene if the man holds the door open for her. I’ll admit that these were my own stereotypes, so my examples were kind of over the top… but were they?
Maybe it’s sour grapes, but I have no patience for high maintenance women and the men who perpetuate that mentality. Let’s face it, they are raised to expect and accept only the best that a man can offer and more. Possibly, it’s the mothers who ingrain this into their darling little girls thinking they are teaching self worth. Somehow the experiment goes terribly wrong. Then there is the man whose identity is wrapped up in how well he can please his woman with material things, side stepping his involvement in an honest relationship. Maybe he gravitates to material things because he was either taught that; or he doesn’t believe that he is enough, alone, to make a woman happy. The clue here is that nobody can make anyone else happy, nor should they be made to shoulder that burden. These people never seem to be truly happy beyond the glitter off the surface. As a woman, I can tell you that even I, growing up in a not-quite-poor, not-quite-rich household, was impressed with this mentality. I was brought up believing the man must give give give and pay pay pay to prove himself worthy of my attention. This was preached by both parents. I could never quite rectify this in my mind because I always believed that any relationship should be an equal enterprise.
The big picture seems to escape so many people. They do not look beyond the sex they get before marriage, the easy social life, the absence of everyday responsibilities that can put an inconvenient damper on selfishness in later married days, especially when there are little ones running around. The me me me days are forever over. Now, it’s us. I find that a hard thing for some couples to manage is the concept of “what is yours is mine and what is mine is yours”. That goes for money, chores, space, time, anything and everything that they must now SHARE with one another. For some, this is a hard thing to get comfortable with doing. Maybe it’s harder for people who have been single for a long time and place priority on their personal freedom. What is also a big issue sometimes is that now you must account to the other person. It’s not really a rule, but a consideration for our loved one’s feelings. I have personal experience with these issues. DH was single for all of his 50 years before me and did not have to account to anyone in those years. He still struggles with the “ours” concept; he’s more comfortable with the “yours, mine” thing… but we work with it. I tell him that I am not saying he “can’t” go anywhere; but that I need to know what he is doing if he is not coming home. This might seem restrictive to you, but it’s because he does not carry a cell phone and I do have a “need” to know when he is coming home so that I don’t worry about him. In the beginning, he just didn’t get it. Probably partially due to the fact that he, himself, did not place any restrictions on me.
Notice that I’ve not said a lot about “love”. Well, that is because it is assumed that you love the person, silly. But more than that, there is so much more that comes into play equally. A lot of people get divorced because “they do not love the person anymore, or just like they did when they met.” Oh how I hate to hear this. People, love is not stagnant. Love evolves, love changes with every day, every minute you love. People just don’t see this and assume that love is gone when it’s still right there, just showing you more of it’s many facets. Think about the loss. Possibilities for love thrown out the window; so sad it’s heart wrenching. I believe the soul suffers, too. Something happens to the soul that is hard to heal, if ever for some people. When damage like this can be done, you would think that one would really think before assuming this kind of commitment. Commitment. That is something people really do not realize the depth of.
I would be remiss if I did not include that God is present in our marriage. I believe we have a “Sacramental Marriage”. I wrote on this a while ago. If you are interested, it’s here. We believe that our marriage, and the fruit it bears, in it’s own way, is a part of God’s plan for the world.
Wow, when you look at it like that, it goes beyond being special just for us.