Category Archives: Ego
So I wrote a post yesterday on predominately “failing” friendships called, “Everything Has It’s Season.” I want to expand on one thought and it’s something I feel that is another part and should be said.
Once those needs no longer exist, then there is nothing to hold you bound to that person anymore. Some people can accept this and some people can’t.
What I want to say about this statement is that, yes, when a need is not there anymore, there is nothing to bind you to the other person; but what I did not say in my last post is that sometimes we choose to stay in the relationship because there are other things there that we like, love or admire about that person. I’m bringing this up because I had this happen to me when I realized that what had drawn me to a person was not there anymore or maybe never was. I still found things that were endearing and I was hanging on.
He was a man whom I had met and we shared a love for word games, puns, erotic poetry. He was over-the-top hilarious, but super, super intelligent. He was a base player in a raw rock band, hailing from Smithville, NJ. We it it off immediately and I also hit it off with his friends and bandmates. Could you ask for more? He was a giant of a man, but very gentle, honestly, a Gentile Giant. To hug I actually hat to stand a few steps on some stairs and he stood at the bottom. For some reason, though, he never invited me back to see him, and I moved on in real life. Over the internet, though, we continued to keep in touch. He was deliciously bawdy and we had a blast.
To make a long story short, eventually I did come to my senses. The problem was that, in his thirties, or early forties, he had no life goals and was not really working towards settling down. I, however, wanted to settle down. I was tired of not having a place of my own and needed some security. He had a great personality, and could make me laugh like I never laughed before, but he was going nowhere in life other than the wild life of a musician. When my hubby came along, I finally made the decision to move on completely. DH was serious about settling down and I was more than ready at that point to leave my own wild days behind me, so I cut the last string with Blue on Black Man and the rest is history.
A commenter of my last post brought up the point that de-friending people on facebook does not necessarily mean that they don’t want to be friends in real life. I agree with that, and that’s fine. It that were the case, though, I would appreciate that person just letting me know or just keep in touch other ways.
I read a great post today over at Making the Connections Blog called “Where Does the Good Go?” I recommend reading it for a really personal experience of struggling with making the decision to let go of a friendship.
- When You’re Surrounded By People, But You’re More Alone Than Ever (thoughtcatalog.com)
- Writing People Off (emilynolin.com)
- The 50 Best Quotes About Friendship (thoughtcatalog.com)
A friend of mine is de-friending me on facebook. She says that she’s just doing it without a word to me because she doesn’t want a “confrontation.” I’m wondering why she would think that there “would” be a confrontation. Facebook seems to give people the courage to say things they never would. The facelessness of it? The free announcement that is stated to be the least invasive as possible, no mess? I wonder why she is waiting to swing the ax.
Why does she not feel that she could simply ask me a question and get some answers to whatever is bugging her? I see this happen all the time. People feel slighted or get annoyed, then think the right thing to do is detach themselves. That’s not the right thing, but it’s the easiest thing. They can detach, then pat themselves on the back and go on with their lives thinking it was the only thing they could do and it makes them feel better, justified… and then, maybe it IS the best thing to do.
This is not meant to be a “bashing” post, so I’m not going to sling the personal issues around. I mean, there are always issues, right? I’d like to see if I could speak from the perspective of examining why friends won’t simply reach out to one another when they feel something just isn’t right, instead of going right to canceling the friendship. Maybe I don’t want to examine it. Maybe I just want to throw the question out there. I might find it hard to talk about it without drawing in the personal issues and speculation of said issues because that would just be one-sided.
Also, people would rather stay in a strained relationship for years, getting themselves sick; and yet they will not address their issues with their friends. What IS friendship? Does it have conditions? Is it supposed to?
Sometimes people are meant to just float in and out of each others’ lives. We need them, they appear, then they’re gone. Sometimes, no matter how close we think we are, or want to be, we simply are not. Life gets in the way. Economics certainly gets in the way sometimes if you do not live in the same neighborhood anymore. Maybe something like not being able to afford the trip is too embarrassing to talk about. Maybe a friendship seems one-sided when one person thinks they’re the one making all the effort with phone calls and what not. Maybe life puts you both on the opposite ends of the spectrum. Maybe life just makes you tired, and at the end of the day you want to isolate yourself from life and the problems it throws at your feet. Maybe you just don’t want to talk anymore. Maybe a friendship seems unsustainable when life throws in too many crowbars to enjoy it. Maybe because you feel that it’s all these things, that you have become contaminated friendship material.
Well, I’m not sure what I’ve done here, but what I am sure about is that I have a few certain needs like for once someone would seek me out to ask the questions they need to. I guess I’ve never had anyone come to me and ask me to explain myself. This is kind of funny to me because a lot of people have the attitude that “they are who they are and if anyone doesn’t like it, they can F’ off.” What is funny is that I don’t have a problem explaining myself to anyone…. if ONLY they asked the question…. and maybe a friend of mine would already know that….
Oh, I’ve had plenty of people get angry at me for various reasons, but never asked me why I had the position I did. Plenty of times I had to be considerate of other’s views if they conflicted with mine, and that was okay; but I’m a little tired lately that people will not do the same for me. It seems like people enjoy getting angry. People enjoy pointing out to you that you’re wrong about something and provide plenty of links that say that they are right and you are wrong.
You see, I’ve also taken a stand and don’t mind when people walk out of my life because for some reason they feel that they need to. I am not going to fight it because that is the way life works. People come and people go. People are with you for something you can do or give them, or for something they can do or give to you. One has a need and one fills that need. Once those needs no longer exist, then there is nothing to hold you bound to that person anymore. Some people can accept this and some people can’t. This happened in my first marriage. He was insecure and struggling through college on two levels, financially and academically. When he finally got his degree, he wanted a divorce. I supported him through his time in college emotionally and also contributed to our household financially. This also happens with regular friendships. Of course in most cases, this is not a premeditated thing. We don’t go into relationships thinking what am I going to gain from this person. Yeah, one person will suffer because they will feel hurt, but if you accept that this is the way of the world, eventually you will pick yourself up and shake the dust off your shoes and travel on. That might sound cold, but it’s still the way of the world.
- Save the friendship (lifeatdusk.wordpress.com)
- 5 Things That End Friendships, And Why That Just Might Be Okay (thoughtcatalog.com)
FORGET about what’s “hot”. If you can look at your partner and feel drawn to them, no matter what the circumstances or wherever you are, OR how ridiculous they look at the time, then THAT’S love… I don’t NEED to see hot… I HAVE love…. and ladies there is nothing more sexy than seeing Ed interacting with our son…. Just a thought taking me over, there… carry on.
I wrote this on my facebook wall (complete with excessive dots which is my trademark) and got virtually no comments. I am wondering why. So, I am asking for opinions/comments from anyone. Do you agree? disagree?
So, let me go back a bit. I am prone to spontaneous urges to document my thoughts, feelings and urges… as I’m sure we all are. Last week I had one such feeling, desire, urge, whatever you want to call it, at the most inopportune time you can imagine – while attending a Day of Reflection for the ministers at our church. It’s not that I wasn’t paying attention, because I was; but there came a point when I looked over at my hubby and was overcome with emotions. There was a deep love, there was respect, there was affection…. and yes, there was frisky. I thank God for him in my life and the family we have created.
Fast forward just a little bit, and I am reminded by the young people in my life how much they admire and are attracted to whatever they consider “hot”. I thought to myself, well, the first thing I thought was how young they are and how much of their lives must pass away before they realize that “hot” usually brings with it disappointment, betrayal (maybe) and too much expectation.
Why are people attracted to “hot”? Well, I’m not going to insert here what I think. I really want to know what YOU think. All I will say of both my Drake and myself is that we are definitely not main stream hotties, though my Drake is a sizzling hot in my eyes. I wrote this post because I see too much out there of people prejudging others on their looks and while there is nothing wrong is sowing wild oats, too often we get hurt or we get into trouble…. real trouble.
Hey Everyone. As a sort of introduction for adding more content to my Hair Page, I’ve decided to write more about what’s been going on with me and my hair that prompts such drastic action. Let me preface the following by saying that what comes next will sound like the ramblings of a vain person, and you’d be right! I am pretty vain about my hair, so it goes without saying that the story of my hair loss will sound like a horror story…. because, to me, it is a horror story. I write about it because I’m certain that there are more women out there going through the same thing, though, they’d be loath to admit it… or just plain don’t want to think about it, let alone talk about it….geez!
To give a little bit of a background, for most of my life my hair has been the key to my identity. I somehow got it into my head that hair = femininity. I still believe that my hair is the most feminine part I’ve got. Ha.. seems that in some areas, I’m a very blank and white kind of person… just think of the sweet blank and white cookies, the Drake’s favorite, BTW. All my life I grew very long hair, down past my waist and I was very proud of it. Then somewhere along the way, my friend next door got very long, thick hair and thicker than mine… and mine was pretty thick. Soon, we were in a hair competition, unspoken, of course. I think it was that competition that blocked out any thought of cutting it or going for any kind of style. My own hair credentials are that it was long, shiny (hers was not) and I had a lot of it, which made it pretty thick. The hair shaft was not course, but fine; which gave it a really nice shine. It has a slight wave to it, which allows me to also have wavy hair. I am lucky enough to have hair that can be set into a style and it will actually stay. The great volume of it means that with so much hair, it can be still classified as thick even though the hair shaft is fine. I wore my glorious mane down most of the time, but I was constantly nagged by my mom about it being messy all the time… HA… Now this so called “messy-ness” is called the casual look. When I was a teenager, I had no idea as to how I could style it, or even the proper way to maintain it other than brushing. My mother was totally unapproachable as her very presence was a threat to keeping it long. I never asked her for advice because I didn’t want to draw attention to my hair… and her making me cut it. Her two aunts were beauticians and ultimately, during the summer between the 8th grade and the 9th, she dragged me kicking and screaming into the backyard and one of my aunts mutilated my head by chopping my hair into three distinct sections. I was devastatingly traumatized and spent the next several years just trying to grow it out. It took four to five years to get it back to where it was before the “incident”. Such a waste of time. My stupid mother did not realize that she was cutting away my security blanket… or maybe she DID know that and did it as some sort of act of parenting. Anyway, she ruined me for high school because I spent my time striving to blend into the woodwork of a school made of cement blocks. I digress…….
So, I pretty much kept my hair long after that with the exception of a few years in the 80’s when perms became popular. I loved how my girlfriend’s hair looked and decided to hack off my hair AND perm it at the same time…. a pretty drastic change for someone who clung to her hair/security blanket. It just goes to show you what can be achieved IF you really want it. I loved Stevie Nicks. Remember her hair? I got that look. I got the longest layered style possible and had it permed into Stevie. I loved every minute of that phase! After a few years, I stopped perming and found out that, with the particular characteristics of my hair, I didn’t need to perm to get the look. All I had to do was wash my hair and let it dry naturally… oh yes, into the “messy” look….. WTF?
Okay… so I stopped spending money to perm my hair and started spending $$ to color it. I loved the reds and went for the lightest auburn, even though I had dark brown coloring. I did blonde a couple of times, but I never saw what was so great about it. Now, RED! That is something! There was one summer that L’Oreal came out with really bright, intense colors that were supposed to be temporary. The red one came out fire engine red, literally; and I loved it! It pays to have a DH working at L’Oreal. I get to try out anything I want for half price, which is great when you have really long hair and need 3-4 boxes of the stuff. Last summer, however, they discontinued it in their store and I scooped up the last of what I could find. Copper Craze. Now the reason the colors looked so intense on me is because a lot of my hair in the front is gray, so color on top of white, makes it exceptionally bright. Copper Craze turned out to be bright ORANGE. I wasn not very happy with that, but it did grow on me and I ended up loving it. As it got washed out, it turned a nice Honey Blonde and I got so many compliments about that phase. People thought I colored and highlighted my hair blonde…. brrrr! To this day, I still have blonde-ish streaks that are growing out.
Enough background, don’t you think? Onward…. In my thirties, my hair stopped growing. I could not get it below my shoulders. When I got pregnant with my son, it started growing, along with my nails. It grew so fast and so unexpectedly, that I started treating it like long hair and took care of it nice. Several months ago, it went through a shedding phase, but it I will call it hair loss. I call it that because literally tons of it came out every time I showered. Usually, we lose 50 or so strands of hair a day. That is normal. Visually, I know what that looks like; so when clumps of it started to come out in the shower, I panicked. Now, I have a thing that I do when I wash my hair. As it’s washed, and especially during conditioning, it comes out into my hands and I throw the clump onto the shower wall to prevent it from getting into the drain. Oh, and there is also a small basket in the drain to catch everything. Before, I cleaned out the basket after my shower…. NOW, I am cleaning my hair outta there two and three times. The amount of hair that is hitting the wall is at least double if not more of the volume. Pretty freaking scary. This has been happening for a long and the only thing that is saving me is the volume of hair that I started out with because if I didn’t have really, really thick hair to start with, I be freaking bald right now. My friends don’t really understand because they don’t see a difference, but I can feel the difference. I can also see my scalp and almost count the follicles. I can SEE the individual strands, whereas before, I could not…. so I know what’s going on. Maybe it looks okay now, but if the shedding doesn’t stop, I’ll be bald soon.
Still, not the end of the world, right? Of course, and I DO know that. So now, I will have a bald head and a face and neck full of manly hair that needs to be shaved just about every other day, if I cared about it. Funny, I don’t really feel weird about having that facial hair, which is because I’ve had it all my life… UGH another thing to contend with, but I do it every day. No bid deal, so why is my head hair such a traumatic experience? Because I’m vain about it. Because I have a certain perception of it… and that is how beautiful it looks when I fix it up nice… and how I cannot now create beautiful, soft updo’s that project my femininity because they fall flat with no hair inside to puff it out. I wanted to become the mature Storm… you know, from the X-Men. All her power is in her hair, you know. HA…. I KNOW. That might not happen now because I’ll be bald before I go completely gray. I’m sad that my grays are falling out, too…. I love my grays!
So, with all this said. My next posting will get more into hair loss and various causes… and how we can be proactive with prevention of hair loss. I’m a firm believer in having as much understanding as possible in everything I experience. Understanding is the key to acceptance. It’s the key to living, in general. That is my belief. If I can’t get my hair back, I want to understand why. I want to know that I’ve done all that I can do to prevent it; and if I still cannot get it back, my understanding of the situation will allow me to accept where I’m at and know that it’s out of my control.
oh well, there’s always wigs.
Stray cats – Stray cats strut
I loved Naturalhigh’s post, “The Magic of the Wild Things” and it just reminded me of this song from the 80’s. Cats are elegant, magnificant, strange, aloof, curious, and I could go on and on. This song is the very essence of a confident, strutting cat whether stray or domesticated.
Growing up, I had dogs one after another. I never liked cats and didn’t know why… then; but now I do know why I didn’t like them. I felt rejected by them. I wanted to love them and they didn’t want to love me; BUT I wanted to love them on MY terms. If there is one thing I learned about animals, cats in particular, is that they must come to you, and on THEIR terms, not yours. Yeah, that was a tough lesson, but once I learned that, I loved cats and I loved life a little more. I never thought that cats had personality, until I got a kitten, Simba. This is him when I first got him. I worked for an ambulance company and there was a litter in the garage. It was really too soon as the mother still had to stimulate the kittens’ genitals for them to “go”. I gave Simba back to the mother until he was older. You can see the little bottle in the background.:
Ha… as you can see that was July of 2001. I was his mommie and he was my baby. He still is my baby, but he is an outdoor cat now, along with Smokey, my brother/dad’s cat whom they didn’t want any longer and I got hoodwinked into taking him in, but I didn’t regret it. Simba grew up with Smokey and he was always very patient with the little guy, letting him eat first-always. I learned that as an adult, they had serious territorial issues in my house and to make a long story short, I had to put both of them outside. Both of them have their claws, so I am not worried. They’ve been out there since Gabriel was born, and they are doing just fine.
Getting back… Cats can be so loving in their own way. They’ve taught me about life… that you cannot approach life and impose your will on it. Look away, do not expect anything, and it will come knocking on your door…. always! I love the aura of the cat. Every Halloween I’d always make myself up in some feline costume- tail, ears and all. They are just so cool. So all put together, strutting around so confident, without a care in the world…. having fun! Oddly, I really liked the movie, The Cat People. What I really like are the Big Cats, black panthers, leopards, etc. Sleek, sexy in a way, or maybe the human feline version feels so sexy whenever I don that persona.
Hey! They keep the mice at bay, even being outside. We’ve not had a significant mouse problem, though I was very worried about it when we had to put them out.
“Seeing the truth about our own ego is not usually an easy or comfortable process. We spend a lot of time building up and defending this “I” as if it had a real stability and substance. In fact this “I” is really a process with very little real continuity other than the stream of stresses and strains that has shaped it.
“When we become committed to leading a spiritual life, to growing and opening ourselves to change and uncertainty, the ego reacts with fear and resistance. If we let this agitation dominate our awareness we will not only find change impossible, we will eventually cut off the nourishment for our spiritual development.
“The good news is that human beings are capable of remarkable personal evolution and change. If we look to the power behind the ego we come face to face with the same power that manifests this whole universe. In that vision and experience of the ultimate, the “I” is simply transcended.”
Sometimes the tools and inspiration come to us from out of, it seems, the air. This has been happening to me lately. The first time was last Saturday when we spent some time with my husband’s cousin. At the end of our visit, I changed Gabriel’s diaper and should have really left the room but lingered to check out her books. Shortly after, she came in and we started talking about spirituality, straying from the strict doctrine of the Catholic church. One thing led to another as we each had ownership of Linda Goodman’s books, “Sun Signs” and “Love Signs”. She also had “Star Signs” and a few others. She let me have 3 books to read, “The Red Tent”, which I thoroughly enjoyed and it only took me 2 days to read, AND almost bought several times. The other two are “The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents”, which, BTW, she has no children of her own and told me that she believed that it was meant to be mine, even when she bought it, “You know how sometimes we buy things on impulse that we don’t really need?”; the other book is “The Mists of Avalon” which I never thought to even read because I already knew the King Arthur/Merlin stories. It seems that this title is told from the woman’s point of view. The 876 pages scares me a bit, but I am looking forward to getting into it.
Getting to the quote above. This comes from one of my own books that has been hiding for a few years entitled “The Open Moment (Reflections on the Spiritual Life)”, by Swami Chetanananda. I actually thought I’d given this book away as I had other new age-type books. My son finally ferreted it out for me, as he does ALL my books, and I started leafing through it. I noted the section on “Ego” which has got to be my biggest challenge in life. Yes, I do feel, very much so, the agitation the passage above speaks of. I find it ironic because of my early life spent being very insecure, with LOW self esteem. I often wonder how this can be, that I am being possessed of a huge ego, yet spend my life being insecure. I know there’s an answer out there, but I need to find it myself. Maybe it’s the child-like, immature ego inside screaming that I AM WORTHY and, like a child, takes more than it’s share when it gets the chance to make up for the times it is denied.
Why are my eyes stuck between awake and asleep? I am afraid to cross over that bridge leading to true Christianity, or maybe wishful thinking of what I think it should be. My priest says that we are all human and that we cannot escape it and that God knows this and loves us in spite of it. I do believe that with all my heart, even while I know we can never be totally like Christ, though we “strive” to be like Him. What does the word “strive” mean? Don’t we need to actually accomplish something when we strive for it; or is intention enough? I find it cannot be enough because we must find the strength to ACT on our good intentions and beliefs; and not only talk about it, or just “believe it”. It’s so easy to believe we have actually done something for real, when in reality, we’ve only just fantasized about it. I have found myself doing this very thing. An opportunity will arise and I envision myself following through. I will experience a feeling of satisfaction and it seems to stop there. I never took the steps to follow through with what I intended to; and part of the reason (or all of it) is this feeling of satisfaction; as if I had already went through the whole process I created for myself. Maybe this is why you sometimes have to act without too much thought.
I find that I am a purist in a lot of things, and I take, literally, the words of the bible. I know that times have changed, but I believe that the same words apply to us, in this time, as much as they did back then in the early church…. And I am not just talking about ideas here; I am talking about literal scenarios. When Jesus said we should help others, I want to really go out of my way, but take it so far that it’s not physically safe for me. My example is of a time I met a homeless mother and wanted to get clothes to her but she had no transportation. I was actually contemplating meeting her father in a totally different neighborhood to give the clothes. Then I was thinking about taking her in… All good ideas, but I did not know this girl from a hole in the wall. She did have a “fiancé” (somewhere) and she had an 8 month old who had no clothes on his back, with winter closing in. Sadly, I was not thinking of the safety of myself, or my family. In the end, I never heard from her, so I donated the clothes to a shelter. It’s a pity that we must hold ourselves back like this. On the other hand, I could have turned into an enabler by doing for her, what she should have been doing for herself. I did give her information on public assistance out there, but I am not sure if she ever followed up on it.
If you are still with me, I’ll close with another ego quote from the same book. BTW, I am glad that I have this book. I now have a tool to help me focus on different things I want to talk about. Thanks for staying with me.
“What if the self that we understood we were yesterday, was the person that we had to live with from now on? What if that were true? It wouldn’t be pretty would it? It’s a wonderful thing to be released from whom we think we are, because who we think we are is really a fabrication.” ~Swami Chetanananda