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And the Summer Turns to Fall


So I wrote a post yesterday on predominately “failing” friendships called, “Everything Has It’s Season.”  I want to expand on one thought and it’s something I feel that is another part and should be said.

Once those needs no longer exist, then there is nothing to hold you bound to that person anymore. Some people can accept this and some people can’t.     

What I want to say about this statement is that, yes, when a need is not there anymore, there is nothing to bind you to the other person; but what I did not say in my last post is that sometimes we choose to stay in the relationship because there are other things there that we like, love or admire about that person.  I’m bringing this up because I had this happen to me when I realized that what had drawn me to a person was not there anymore or maybe never was.  I still found things that were endearing and I was hanging on.

He was a man whom I had met and we shared a love for word games, puns, erotic poetry.  He was over-the-top hilarious, but super, super intelligent.  He was a base player in a raw rock band, hailing from Smithville, NJ.  We it it off immediately and I also hit it off with his friends and bandmates.  Could you ask for more?  He was a giant of a man, but very gentle, honestly, a Gentile Giant.  To hug I actually hat to stand a few steps on some stairs and he stood at the bottom.   For some reason, though, he never invited me back to see him, and I moved on in real life.  Over the internet, though, we continued to keep in touch.  He was deliciously bawdy and we had a blast.

To make a long story short, eventually I did come to my senses.  The problem was that, in his thirties, or early forties, he had no life goals and was not really working towards settling down.  I, however, wanted to settle down.  I was tired of not having a place of my own and needed some security.  He had a great personality, and could make me laugh like I never laughed before, but he was going nowhere in life other than the wild life of a musician.  When my hubby came along, I finally made the decision to move on completely.  DH was serious about settling down and I was more than ready at that point to leave my own wild days behind me, so I cut the last string with Blue on Black Man and the rest is history.

A commenter of my last post brought up the point that de-friending people on facebook does not necessarily mean that they don’t want to be friends in real life.  I agree with that, and that’s fine.  It that were the case, though, I would appreciate that person just letting me know or just keep in touch other ways.

I read a great post today over at Making the Connections Blog called “Where Does the Good Go?”  I recommend reading it for a really personal experience of struggling with making the decision to let go of a friendship.

Everything Has It’s Season


A friend of mine is de-friending me on facebook.  She says that she’s just doing it without a word to me because she doesn’t want a “confrontation.”  I’m wondering why she would think that there “would” be a confrontation.  Facebook seems to give people the courage to say things they never would.  The facelessness of it?  The free announcement that is stated to be the least invasive as possible, no mess?  I wonder why she is waiting to swing the ax.

Why does she not feel that she could simply ask me a question and get some answers to whatever is bugging her?  I see this happen all the time.  People feel slighted or get annoyed, then think the right thing to do is detach themselves.  That’s not the right thing, but it’s the easiest thing.  They can detach, then pat themselves on the back and go on with their lives thinking it was the only thing they could do and it makes them feel better, justified… and then, maybe it IS the best thing to do.

This is not meant to be a “bashing” post, so I’m not going to sling the personal issues around.  I mean, there are always issues, right?   I’d like to see if I could speak from the perspective of examining why friends won’t simply reach out to one another when they feel something just isn’t right, instead of going right to canceling the friendship.  Maybe I don’t want to examine it.  Maybe I just want to throw the question out there.  I might find it hard to talk about it without drawing in the personal issues and speculation of said issues because that would just be one-sided.

Also, people would rather stay in a strained relationship for years, getting themselves sick; and yet they will not address their issues with their friends.  What IS friendship?  Does it have conditions?  Is it supposed to?

Sometimes people are meant to just float in and out of each others’ lives.  We need them, they appear, then they’re gone. Sometimes, no matter how close we think we are, or want to be, we simply are not.  Life gets in the way.  Economics certainly gets in the way sometimes if you do not live in the same neighborhood anymore. Maybe something like not being able to afford the trip is too embarrassing to talk about.  Maybe a friendship seems one-sided when one person thinks they’re the one making all the effort with phone calls and what not.  Maybe life puts you both on the opposite ends of the spectrum.  Maybe life just makes you tired, and at the end of the day you want to isolate yourself from life and the problems it throws at your feet. Maybe you just don’t want to talk anymore.  Maybe a friendship seems unsustainable when life throws in too many crowbars to enjoy it.  Maybe because you feel that it’s all these things, that you have become contaminated friendship material.

Well, I’m not sure what I’ve done here, but what I am sure about is that I have a few certain needs like for once someone would seek me out to ask the questions they need to.  I guess I’ve never had anyone come to me and ask me to explain myself. This is kind of funny to me because a lot of people have the attitude that “they are who they are and if anyone doesn’t like it, they can F’ off.” What is funny is that I don’t have a problem explaining myself to anyone…. if ONLY they asked the question…. and maybe a friend of mine would already know that….

Oh, I’ve had plenty of people get angry at me for various reasons, but never asked me why I had the position I did.  Plenty of times I had to be considerate of other’s views if they conflicted with mine, and that was okay; but I’m a little tired lately that people will not do the same for me.  It seems like people enjoy getting angry. People enjoy pointing out to you that you’re wrong about something and provide plenty of links that say that they are right and you are wrong.

You see, I’ve also taken a stand and don’t mind when people walk out of my life because for some reason they feel that they need to.  I am not going to fight it because that is the way life works.  People come and people go.  People are with you for something you can do or give them, or for something they can do or give to you.  One has a need and one fills that need. Once those needs no longer exist, then there is nothing to hold you bound to that person anymore.  Some people can accept this and some people can’t.  This happened in my first marriage.  He was insecure and struggling through college on two levels, financially and academically.  When he finally got his degree, he wanted a divorce.  I supported him through his time in college emotionally and also contributed to our household financially.  This also happens with regular friendships.  Of course in most cases, this is not a premeditated thing.  We don’t go into relationships thinking what am I going to gain from this person.  Yeah, one person will suffer because they will feel hurt, but if you accept that this is the way of the world, eventually you will pick yourself up and shake the dust off your shoes and travel on.  That might sound cold, but it’s still the way of the world.

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Define Gratitude


grat·i·tude   [grat-i-tood, -tyood] noun the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful: He expressed his gratitude to everyone on the staff.

Today I’ve been feeling that I need to write about being grateful for my friends. I’m still going to do that, but I wanted to do this preliminary post about gratitude, in general.  I just hope I can do the subject justice.

It wasn’t until I consciously strove to feel grateful, did I start to really enjoy life. Not only that, but I do believe that it’s a critical ingredient to a happy and respectful marriage; and this, my friends is from where I speak.  Through my marriage, my husband, I can see the world not as the old, cynical me; but as a refreshed me.  I really credit my DDH (Dear Dear Husband) with the bulk of renewing my life, or at the very least he be the catalyst for it.  He nurtures that, and you’d better believe, in his own subtle (or not so subtle) way, he calls me out on the carpet when I stray…. but not before I make a total jerk of myself… aaaah- He loves me~!

Not only is gratitude key for a good marriage.  It’s critical to any relationship, and the other major one is my relationship with God.  If I’m not grateful for everything that God has given me, then I really do have nothing.  I’ve made it a rule that I must always be grateful for everything I do have in my life and forget what doesn’t happen to be here for me.  I can’t waste my time going to places I can’t reach… yet.  Concentrating on what I do have means that I’m not thinking about the negative, whatever that may be.  What I’m doing now with these gratitude posts is refreshing my memory, reminding myself that there is so much in my life to be happy about and to remember to thank my Creator.

For me being grateful means that in taking the time to think about the positives, about the really good people in my life, presents more opportunities to project a positive spirit out to others.  More opportunities to tell the people in my life how much I love them and how much I appreciate their presence in my life.  Another thing is that up until now, I could not tell people how I felt about them.  I was embarrassed or I thought it was silly.  I thought it wasn’t important.  Now I know that is a lie.  It IS very important to those around me to know, more importantly TO BE TOLD how much they mean to me.  I need to take the time to tell my friends I love them.  That they are important to me.  Thank them for being in my life.  I won’t miss those opportunities again.  Too many times we let the moment pass, then regret it.

Another concept I came away from Oprah’s Lifeclass is when she said, “Your presence is enough.”  If I remember correctly this was part of a discussion about “what should I do when I walk into a room” or “what do I say?”  Something like that, and this sentence, “Your presence is enough” just jumped out at me.  Yeah, I really get that and I want to close my eyes: OOHHMMMM.

Gratitude is the fertile soil for Love.  See what those OHM’s can do?

edited to add:  Just found this quote I was saving about Joy:

“When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find 
it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. 
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see 
that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”

~Kahlil Gibran

 

Gratitude Journal


Last night I tuned in to Oprah’s Lifeclass for the first time.  I went all out and had the TV on as well as the web which I was glad that I did because the talking continued during commercial breaks and also after the TV version ended.  All in all, it was pretty good and definitely a godsend with all the crap they put on TV these days.  Definitely worth the time watching.

So if I got one thing out of last night’s show was the suggestion of writing a Gratitude Journal… and I’m going to.  The point is to write 5 things that you’re grateful for each day.  I’m a bit late today because I was out all day, but maybe that’s the best way to do this so that I can have the opportunity to think back on the day and remember again what I’m grateful for.  Please note that this  list is not necessarily in order of importance.  Whatever is relative to my life IS important to me, so here goes:

I am so very grateful for my husband, Ed.  It’s the every day things.  The small, seemingly insignificant things that turn out to be anything but insignificant.  He way of being is so calming, in and of itself.  I just can’t get over where my life could have been if it weren’t for him.  He inspires me to be more than I am and that’s it in a nutshell.  Yes, I’m grateful for him every single day; and through him, we have the most beautiful and amazing boy.

By the way, our son is the second thing I am grateful for.  I wish I could show you on this one page how truly amazing he is.  He is definitely forming his sense of humor and have no idea where that will end up, but he’s like me in the way he laughs at his own senseless jokes, which really does make it funny, well to me.  His laugh, however, comes from his father… a guffaw-like chuckle.  I am grateful to the babe who teaches his mother about life every single day.  Who is supposed to be teaching who here?  lol… That question is up for debate because he is, well, amazing….

Which reminds me, I MUST REMEMBER TO DO HOMEWORK TOMORROW….

I’m so SO grateful for my Posse~!  A collection of wonderful, wonderful ladies who get together once a month to celebrate Friends, Fellowship and Food!  HA… Well, mainly we share our joy of the fiber arts through crochet, knitting, and charity projects.  These ladies are:  Linda, Eartha, Pauline, Dolores, Helen, Pat, Desirre, Jeannette, Susan, Laura, Jeri and myself.  No, I’m terrible because there are others who while are not present every month are missed.  There are newer people, too, who are always finding us; but I’m not so good with names and I apologize if I left anyone out.  Today was our special day and it could not be better.  Delicious food, wonderful friends who are always positive and uplifting to the spirit.  When we are together we laugh, laugh, laugh and we find it hard to pull ourselves away from each other.   It’s a virtual lovefest.  LOVE YOU GIRLS~!

I’m grateful for my faith.  Without that I would be a total mess right now. Having a loving and forgiving God to believe in makes living easier.  I know that I am never alone.  I can forgive myself because I know that God forgives me.  I just look around in my life and know to the core of my being that He exists and is taking care of me.  I believe that He has hand picked my mate and by extension, our son, our family…. Thank you, Lord… so, SO much~!

I’m grateful for where I’m living.  I must say that I complain a lot about the area I live in.  It’s a terrible urban area with lots of crime, but the block we live on is relatively reminiscent of a nice neighborhood.  It’s a dead end street, so no heavy traffic, well, if you don’t count frequent number of cars who don’t realize it and try to scream into our neighbor’s yard at the very end of the street.  Oh, forgot, keep it positive.  I’m grateful for our home.  We rent on the first floor and have a nice breezy porch.  We have large public rooms and it’s just right for us.  It’s our home and I love this space so much.  We have, or I should say “had” a garden until the landlord’s son pretty much took it over.  My first reaction was a bad one, but I’ve gotten over it.  Now that it’s the fall, we have to see what will be happening with it next spring.  I had a small spot that the landlord gave us and we planted lavender and rosemary bushes, basil, tomatoes, oregano, thyme, mint and whatever else I could fit in there.  I can’t begin to explain how it made me feel to just be able to walk out back and pick fresh herbs and veggies to use in my cooking.  It brought me closer to the earth.  I sure hope we can work this out and I’m optimistic about it and for that, I’m grateful.

Feel Good Day


I feel good today despite the fact that there is a woman in Starbucks right now disrupting the whole place with her loud words, noises and insane rants. I was ” close to complaining about her, but then I realized there might be something “off” about her that would account for her behavior. I guess I’m more sensitive to that. I can’t help but hear their conversation and she is just not making any sense. God help me to not hear, but she is just being very loud. So, for today, for this one post, I will concentrate on why I’m feeling good at this moment.

The most immediate reason I am feeling good is that I just followed up on an application for employment by just showing up. I saw the manager of a local A.C. Moore store, inquired, asked questions; and though I have no answers right now, I am confident that he will remember me when he goes to look through the applications he has. I need a good sign and if life won’t hand it to me, I must make them for myself. So, if you’re thinking that this is hardly an uplifting reason to feel good, I’ll assure you that it is. It’s a big deal to me. Granted this is no guarantee of securing a job, but at least I DID something positive to that end and THAT makes me happy.

Recently I was invited to display my pendants for sale at the Charmed Butterfly. Go check them out.  They showcase independent artists and the work they do. Pretty soon my name will be listed under their “Artists” list.  Pretty exciting! This shop is way out of state for me, in Scottsville, VA; and is owned by someone I call my friend. Though we’ve never met, we have spoken over the phone and though we live so far away, I often think of her and feel grateful she is out there. The reason that I’m feeling particularly good today about the Charmed Butterfly is that I finally got a package out to her carrying my creations. Wow, this could be the start of something good for me. I just hope I’m ready- be ready for anything!

“Four Strong Winds” is playing on the sound system and it brings back really nice memories of learning how to play the guitar and practicing. This was one of the songs my mentor insisted I learn, though I had no idea how it was supposed to sound. Since I cannot read music, I play almost entirely by ear. Most of our list was like that. He loves mostly country music by the “good ol boys”.. the old masters like Hank Williams, Sr. and his contemporaries.  This song, though, is not country, folk, I think. I miss the guitar so much, but I can’t seem to make time for it… ah Anthony would scoff at me and, indeed, I would, as well. “…. GET ME A WHOPPER, GET ME A WHOPPER….” just infiltrated my strain of thought, being said to nobody. Nobody left to get a whopper. Geez, we’re in Starbuck’s! OMG… they just left. Thank goodness, but there’s no excuses now not to concentrate on this.  To pick up my thought where it was screechingly severed I will report that I still have my guitar, a Yamaha f-310, sitting in my closet patiently waiting for me to take her out so we can make some beautiful music together.

One of my favorite songs is “Greensleeves”, a melody from long ago, Middle Ages maybe. The more modern song with the same melody is “What Child Is This”, a Christmas hymn. I loved to play this on my guitar, sooo beautiful.  Well, the other day our family visited the Morris Museum up in Morristown, NJ.  There was a very interesting exhibit there on “Musical Machines & Living Dolls: Mechanical Musical Instruments and Automata from the Murtogh D. Guinness Collection” with a collection of all kinds of antique music machines. After our visit, of course we stopped at the museum shop, prices were very reasonaboe, by the way, and I purchased one of those tiny music machines you find in music jewelry boxes. The tune is “Greensleeves” and Gabriel immediately put a claim in for it, even though it was really for me. Now, that was two weeks ago and I’ve not heard him playing it recently. Yesterday I got into a singing for a spell and one of the songs was this Christmas hymn. Wouldn’t you know it, Gabe immediately came in and asked me what the song was that I was singing. I told him and he responded that it’s the same as his music box. Momma was so proud of her little boy! He’s got a good ear, I think. It was hidden because for so long he had a terrible hearing loss and recently it seems to be corrected for good. He’s been going to a specialist for years now, ever since preschool. HA.. for a long time he’s been singing off key and I had resigned myself to the fact that this might not be a good avenue for him to pursue. He just loves to sing and play the drums… Yeah. Everything is a drum to and drum sticks.

There is so much to be grateful for….

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