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And the Summer Turns to Fall


So I wrote a post yesterday on predominately “failing” friendships called, “Everything Has It’s Season.”  I want to expand on one thought and it’s something I feel that is another part and should be said.

Once those needs no longer exist, then there is nothing to hold you bound to that person anymore. Some people can accept this and some people can’t.     

What I want to say about this statement is that, yes, when a need is not there anymore, there is nothing to bind you to the other person; but what I did not say in my last post is that sometimes we choose to stay in the relationship because there are other things there that we like, love or admire about that person.  I’m bringing this up because I had this happen to me when I realized that what had drawn me to a person was not there anymore or maybe never was.  I still found things that were endearing and I was hanging on.

He was a man whom I had met and we shared a love for word games, puns, erotic poetry.  He was over-the-top hilarious, but super, super intelligent.  He was a base player in a raw rock band, hailing from Smithville, NJ.  We it it off immediately and I also hit it off with his friends and bandmates.  Could you ask for more?  He was a giant of a man, but very gentle, honestly, a Gentile Giant.  To hug I actually hat to stand a few steps on some stairs and he stood at the bottom.   For some reason, though, he never invited me back to see him, and I moved on in real life.  Over the internet, though, we continued to keep in touch.  He was deliciously bawdy and we had a blast.

To make a long story short, eventually I did come to my senses.  The problem was that, in his thirties, or early forties, he had no life goals and was not really working towards settling down.  I, however, wanted to settle down.  I was tired of not having a place of my own and needed some security.  He had a great personality, and could make me laugh like I never laughed before, but he was going nowhere in life other than the wild life of a musician.  When my hubby came along, I finally made the decision to move on completely.  DH was serious about settling down and I was more than ready at that point to leave my own wild days behind me, so I cut the last string with Blue on Black Man and the rest is history.

A commenter of my last post brought up the point that de-friending people on facebook does not necessarily mean that they don’t want to be friends in real life.  I agree with that, and that’s fine.  It that were the case, though, I would appreciate that person just letting me know or just keep in touch other ways.

I read a great post today over at Making the Connections Blog called “Where Does the Good Go?”  I recommend reading it for a really personal experience of struggling with making the decision to let go of a friendship.

Everything Has It’s Season


A friend of mine is de-friending me on facebook.  She says that she’s just doing it without a word to me because she doesn’t want a “confrontation.”  I’m wondering why she would think that there “would” be a confrontation.  Facebook seems to give people the courage to say things they never would.  The facelessness of it?  The free announcement that is stated to be the least invasive as possible, no mess?  I wonder why she is waiting to swing the ax.

Why does she not feel that she could simply ask me a question and get some answers to whatever is bugging her?  I see this happen all the time.  People feel slighted or get annoyed, then think the right thing to do is detach themselves.  That’s not the right thing, but it’s the easiest thing.  They can detach, then pat themselves on the back and go on with their lives thinking it was the only thing they could do and it makes them feel better, justified… and then, maybe it IS the best thing to do.

This is not meant to be a “bashing” post, so I’m not going to sling the personal issues around.  I mean, there are always issues, right?   I’d like to see if I could speak from the perspective of examining why friends won’t simply reach out to one another when they feel something just isn’t right, instead of going right to canceling the friendship.  Maybe I don’t want to examine it.  Maybe I just want to throw the question out there.  I might find it hard to talk about it without drawing in the personal issues and speculation of said issues because that would just be one-sided.

Also, people would rather stay in a strained relationship for years, getting themselves sick; and yet they will not address their issues with their friends.  What IS friendship?  Does it have conditions?  Is it supposed to?

Sometimes people are meant to just float in and out of each others’ lives.  We need them, they appear, then they’re gone. Sometimes, no matter how close we think we are, or want to be, we simply are not.  Life gets in the way.  Economics certainly gets in the way sometimes if you do not live in the same neighborhood anymore. Maybe something like not being able to afford the trip is too embarrassing to talk about.  Maybe a friendship seems one-sided when one person thinks they’re the one making all the effort with phone calls and what not.  Maybe life puts you both on the opposite ends of the spectrum.  Maybe life just makes you tired, and at the end of the day you want to isolate yourself from life and the problems it throws at your feet. Maybe you just don’t want to talk anymore.  Maybe a friendship seems unsustainable when life throws in too many crowbars to enjoy it.  Maybe because you feel that it’s all these things, that you have become contaminated friendship material.

Well, I’m not sure what I’ve done here, but what I am sure about is that I have a few certain needs like for once someone would seek me out to ask the questions they need to.  I guess I’ve never had anyone come to me and ask me to explain myself. This is kind of funny to me because a lot of people have the attitude that “they are who they are and if anyone doesn’t like it, they can F’ off.” What is funny is that I don’t have a problem explaining myself to anyone…. if ONLY they asked the question…. and maybe a friend of mine would already know that….

Oh, I’ve had plenty of people get angry at me for various reasons, but never asked me why I had the position I did.  Plenty of times I had to be considerate of other’s views if they conflicted with mine, and that was okay; but I’m a little tired lately that people will not do the same for me.  It seems like people enjoy getting angry. People enjoy pointing out to you that you’re wrong about something and provide plenty of links that say that they are right and you are wrong.

You see, I’ve also taken a stand and don’t mind when people walk out of my life because for some reason they feel that they need to.  I am not going to fight it because that is the way life works.  People come and people go.  People are with you for something you can do or give them, or for something they can do or give to you.  One has a need and one fills that need. Once those needs no longer exist, then there is nothing to hold you bound to that person anymore.  Some people can accept this and some people can’t.  This happened in my first marriage.  He was insecure and struggling through college on two levels, financially and academically.  When he finally got his degree, he wanted a divorce.  I supported him through his time in college emotionally and also contributed to our household financially.  This also happens with regular friendships.  Of course in most cases, this is not a premeditated thing.  We don’t go into relationships thinking what am I going to gain from this person.  Yeah, one person will suffer because they will feel hurt, but if you accept that this is the way of the world, eventually you will pick yourself up and shake the dust off your shoes and travel on.  That might sound cold, but it’s still the way of the world.

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Thought for Today


There is no more lovely, friendly or charming relationship, communion or company, than a good marriage. ~Martin Luther

Define Gratitude


grat·i·tude   [grat-i-tood, -tyood] noun the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful: He expressed his gratitude to everyone on the staff.

Today I’ve been feeling that I need to write about being grateful for my friends. I’m still going to do that, but I wanted to do this preliminary post about gratitude, in general.  I just hope I can do the subject justice.

It wasn’t until I consciously strove to feel grateful, did I start to really enjoy life. Not only that, but I do believe that it’s a critical ingredient to a happy and respectful marriage; and this, my friends is from where I speak.  Through my marriage, my husband, I can see the world not as the old, cynical me; but as a refreshed me.  I really credit my DDH (Dear Dear Husband) with the bulk of renewing my life, or at the very least he be the catalyst for it.  He nurtures that, and you’d better believe, in his own subtle (or not so subtle) way, he calls me out on the carpet when I stray…. but not before I make a total jerk of myself… aaaah- He loves me~!

Not only is gratitude key for a good marriage.  It’s critical to any relationship, and the other major one is my relationship with God.  If I’m not grateful for everything that God has given me, then I really do have nothing.  I’ve made it a rule that I must always be grateful for everything I do have in my life and forget what doesn’t happen to be here for me.  I can’t waste my time going to places I can’t reach… yet.  Concentrating on what I do have means that I’m not thinking about the negative, whatever that may be.  What I’m doing now with these gratitude posts is refreshing my memory, reminding myself that there is so much in my life to be happy about and to remember to thank my Creator.

For me being grateful means that in taking the time to think about the positives, about the really good people in my life, presents more opportunities to project a positive spirit out to others.  More opportunities to tell the people in my life how much I love them and how much I appreciate their presence in my life.  Another thing is that up until now, I could not tell people how I felt about them.  I was embarrassed or I thought it was silly.  I thought it wasn’t important.  Now I know that is a lie.  It IS very important to those around me to know, more importantly TO BE TOLD how much they mean to me.  I need to take the time to tell my friends I love them.  That they are important to me.  Thank them for being in my life.  I won’t miss those opportunities again.  Too many times we let the moment pass, then regret it.

Another concept I came away from Oprah’s Lifeclass is when she said, “Your presence is enough.”  If I remember correctly this was part of a discussion about “what should I do when I walk into a room” or “what do I say?”  Something like that, and this sentence, “Your presence is enough” just jumped out at me.  Yeah, I really get that and I want to close my eyes: OOHHMMMM.

Gratitude is the fertile soil for Love.  See what those OHM’s can do?

edited to add:  Just found this quote I was saving about Joy:

“When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find 
it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. 
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see 
that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”

~Kahlil Gibran

 

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