Um…. I guess that would be me. So embarrassing to say that, but yeah. Life is so weird. You live, you try to sculpt yourself into the person you’d like to grow up to be; then as you try to “be” that person, you say to yourself that you’ve got to be you, you’ve got to voice your opinions. That’s paramount and you assert yourself. But let’s see where that got me……
Before I go further, I must state that I am fully blessed. Despite my many failings, I am deeply loved. That gives me the courage to write about myself and my flaws and failures. First and foremost I am loved by God and have the firm belief of His profound forgiving nature. There is a quote that speaks to this and I read it every day. I have a firm belief that God has a purpose for each and every one of us, despite our imperfections. He literally has a specific need, or finds a specific need for our specific imperfections. We are useful despite it all. This give me hope for my own soul.
“My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing
from God as my successes and my talents,
and I lay both of them at His feet.”
All my life I was the quiet one. The one who desperately strove to melt into the background, and blended in, right in between those gigantic flowers, painted onto the wallpaper in our kitchen. I was a stutterer and I could not get a word out before the several attempts that usually bored people right before they moved on to other subjects. Get the picture? Not only could I not communicate, but I did not learn the social skills in order to interact with other human beings. So I listened. I listened to exchanges that totally, totally bored me. I simply was not interested in most female conversations regarding curtains and home decor. So what developed was that I became judgmental of females…. well, whether I am justified or not on that is still out for debate… pfst. To this day, I find a conversation with a man much more interesting than talking to women…. sorry gals.
Anyway, so I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I can hold a conversation, but struggle with the social cues. I do not stutter, except under stress it might come back a little. I find that I am a woman who has a problem recognizing and honoring moderation. I seem to be either this way or that–to the extreme. Like, I could abstain from soda for months, yet if I get one taste, I’m off and running consuming more soda in one day than one has a right to. WTH? Same with water. One day I’m consuming massive quantities of it, and the next I am a camel in the desert and you could not force one drop down my throat. As a matter of fact, I need some right now……..
I’m back…. So, now that I’m going verbal, my Gemini self cannot shut up and every single thought in my head is out and off the tongue no sooner than my brain gets a hold of it. Well, some thoughts should stay unspoken. After years of keeping my mouth shut tight, the flood gates are opened and with my relatively newfound confidence, I speak my mind whenever and wherever and to whomever. And it’s not all good. You know if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all. The bottom line for me is that after I speak my mind, I feel better. But taking my judgmental self outside and giving the double-parkers blocking traffic with their cars a piece of my mind, well, that can’t work for anyone but me. Even then, afterwards I usually feel that I could’ve handled the situation a lot better. I can’t abide inconsideration in any of its forms… but I really shouldn’t be getting into confrontations like I do. Maybe writing about this will help me remember that next time.
Today I was listening to Alan Horvath who is a musician who does videos about the bible and religion. I do suggest checking out his videos on youtube if you have a desire to listen to the Word with the names in their original languages. I’m hoping the meaning of these books go back to the beginning, without the contamination of the human pen. I watched one video about Alan’s experience during Frankenstorm Sandy and he talked about how he heard a lot of people complaining. He said, “God doesn’t like complainers,” and I thought, O.M.G. that’s me. I complain long and loud to anyone who would stay quiet long enough for me to do so. But you know, even though we didn’t have power for ten days, we had everything else, until our food spoiled; but even then we could still travel to towns every day to pick up some food for that day. Yes, we were in long lines at the gas station, but heck, it was not bad enough to complain about. I think people today don’t want to wait for anything. We are under so much pressure to do it fast, then move on to the next thing. I used this blog to complain, I also complained on facebook, I got together with my neighbor and we complained to each other… sigh. But it was driven home to me, an active member of a Roman Catholic church, that God does not appreciate complainers. Should that have been news to me? Nope. The whole book of Exodus tells us of the Jews complaining every other day and you know what? God kept them wandering in the desert for forty years. You’d think they’d learn their lesson. You’d think that I would have by now, also. My hubby is an excellent example. He doesn’t complain at all. Usually, that plays out well for me when I am involved, but if it’s something outside this house, I get frustrated with him, but you know, he’s got the right way to go. It shows, too. God is with him. He’s just one of those people, that you just know.
I need to really learn my lesson. It’s not like I’m an ignorant bitch…. not really. So I will close with stating I am truly blessed. Things are never really as bad as my first impression. Regarding Hurricane Sandy, we got through it. We did not flood though this house has a long history of flooding. Because we did not flood, we kept our hot water. We had a gas stove to cook on. No heat, but plenty of handmade blankets to keep us warm at night. We had radios and thanks to the presence of our seven-year old, plenty of batteries to keep the radios and flashlights going. I was so grateful for NJ101.5 to keep myself connected to the outside world. Finally, I had my loving husband and my beloved son with me. What more could I possibly have the audacity to ask for?
- Your Body Not Your Body, To Complain ! (ubebetternotbitter.wordpress.com)
- Complaining: A Short Manual. (howtomakelightning.com)
- Complaining (samuelatgilgal.wordpress.com)
- The Complainers are Alive and Well in America (jewishpress.com)
- Grumbling and Complaining (dailybibleplan.com)
- When the answer comes, don’t run from the giants… (mytotallyother.wordpress.com)
- God’s Timing is Perfect! (nackynice.wordpress.com)
- Perspective: We Could All Use Some. (collegeramble.wordpress.com)
First let me make the question: Is participating in the Daily Prompt cheating? Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for them. The words come easier when there is a stated goal… But. Is just answering the question being too lazy to come up with something on my own? So today, I’m going to forgo the Daily Prompt because I really can’t bring myself to write my own eulogy as it would soon turn into a shameless love fest and I’m not up to it right now…… So what to write.
I’ve not written about my knitting for a while, so maybe that would be good to do today. As posted previously, I am aching to start the Shipwreck, in Knitty’s Spring 09 issue. It’s a circular shawl with seaweed, shells and ocean spray all in one pattern. I love how this flows and I have the perfect yarn, Knit Pick’s Palette Yarn in Marine Heather colorway.
See the beautiful beads? Love the effect they make of reflective droplets of ocean water. Definitely want to do beads. Probably would need hundreds of them, if not thousands… well, maybe not THAT. Yeah, check the pattern, doof. Oops, I need to cough up 5000 beads. I’m not kidding. See the beautiful beads? Love the effect they make of reflective droplets of ocean water. Definitely want to do beads. Probably would need hundreds of them, if not thousands… well, maybe not THAT. Yeah, check the pattern, doof. Oops, I need to cough up 5000 Czech glass seed beads size 8/0; beads. I’m not kidding.
Oh well, getting on to my last FO. I’ve been working on this, off and on, since Oct. 30, 2011. I can’t believe I let almost a whole year go by after putting it down for the summer. Never put stuff down, except maybe a blanket…. grrr… not even an afghan, which I have one that is still floundering since it was started, OMG, January 2008~!
This is the Tappan Zee Cardigan. I just threw it on, unblocked, to take this pic. While I am really happy to finish it and happy with how it came out, looking at this pic, I’m definitely not happy with the yoke. I’m not happy that I only have these bulky crew neck tops to wear it with. I’m considering doing something… it’s the “S” word that nobody really wants to talk about. I’m wondering about steeking the tops of the shoulders and short sleeves to somewhat shorten the yoke, then allow me to attach long sleeves, then either wear this with a camisole type top or closing the front to make a pullover. I’m sure I can do either thing and I do have two more skeins of Valley Yarn’s Prescott which I would LOVE to feel on the bare skin of my arms and shoulders… This stuff is SO soft, but unfortunately is discontinued yarn. Oh geez. Just realized that before I can close up the front of this, I’ll have to take out and reknit the five stitch garter bands on both sides of the front…. eeeeek~! Oh well… I’d do it for that fine 100% alpaca softness.
Another quickie project (and last-minute or no reason) is what I call “Neck of Zebra,” a long black and white striped cowl which can be worn long or short. 100% Cotton gives this a feeling-really-good soft feel. Dotted throughout are gigantic puffs of cotton. I used US sized 11 needles just because of these puffs and I probably should’ve used larger, except the skinny parts of this yarn are really skinning. All in all a really nice effect.
- DIY Thursdays ~ Feather Earrings (aurajade.wordpress.com)
- Mardi Gras 2013: “Catch and release” bead trailer to be at three Jefferson Parish parades (nola.com)
- Good Wednesday Morning To All My Dearly Loved Family & Friends! (witchesofthecraft.com)
- WIP – Entrelac Scarf (sageyarn.wordpress.com)
- Just a Post (threesistershomeandgarden.wordpress.com)
- Get your WIP, Get your WIP Wednesday here! – 1/23/13 (iknead2knit.wordpress.com)
- Great Tips for Bead Crochet (crochetme.com)
- Completed Project: The Clapotis Wrap (thestitcherati.com)
Set a timer for ten minutes. Open a new post. Start the timer, and start writing. When the timer goes off, publish.
My first thought was, “yeah, open a can of worms.” But, I’ll slip past THAT and move on to an accomplishment of last night. I finally finished knitting the Tappan Zee Cardigan, sweetly called “Tappan ME” on my Ravelry project page. It’s something that I’m really, really pleased with how it came out. After blocking, I will do a more detailed post. Oh. This is the perfect time to start a pattern that is part of my New Year’s Resolution, which I hardly ever make, but I’ve been planning this pattern for over a year and I even have the yarn required. It’s called Shipwreck…. Isn’t she pretty? It requires beads being knitted into it, but I think they don’t come until the middle part. I can start this, commit myself to it, and have a little time to get the beads.
Another thought is the anticipation of my next crochet group gathering (as we’ve come to call it) in Brooklyn with my Posse. Yes, I have a posse, people! We meet once a month, but oooh, the last time I saw most of these ladies was back in October and that wasn’t even with half of our people. I’m planning on being there this Saturday, though, and will probably drive into Brooklyn early just to cruise around my old neighborhood. Yep, I’m a Brooklyn girl, born and raised.
Wow. I’m HUNGRY~! Need. to. eat.
- Daily Prompt: Ready, Set Go (ladylovelyblogger.wordpress.com)
- Daily Prompt: Ready, Set Go | #Craft | 25/01 (thebeltanedaily.wordpress.com)
- Daily Prompt; Ready, Set Go/ The Daily Post (terry1954.wordpress.com)
- Daily Prompt 2013: Me, myself, and a timer set for 10 minutes. (inspirationinfocus.wordpress.com)
- Daily Prompt: Ready, Set Go (marilyndavies.wordpress.com)
Wow. Something for me to think about. In a way, my life has turned out exactly as I thought it would at sixteen, but the downside is that it took me just about 30 years to get here.
My life is a good one, but it definitely has not shaped up as I had envisioned way back when. Growing up in the seventies did not provide hope to this sheltered, painfully shy girl. I grew up with the understanding that all girls get married and stay home to raise a family, period. Not one thought rested on the idea of going to college and having a career because back then the only career open to women was to be a secretary… or so I thought. Career Day in high school didn’t have anything directed toward us girls. I loved science, but was woefully inept in anything but the very basics in math. I just did not get it and it was my understanding that to be able to do anything in science, you needed to be good in the higher math which was calculus, chemistry, geometry, ALGEBRA… Well, it was hard work, but I did eventually pass algebra and I needed a tutor to just pass geometry. I just didn’t get it and that dashed my hopes of ever pursuing a career in the sciences. So, with my illustrious science career raking in the coals, I turned my attention to the Domestic Engineer, meaning wife and mother to some very lucky guy… heh.
There was just one problem. I was not high on the list of conquest for any male my age. Those suckers! But I digress. I did work at a series of clerical jobs, none of which I could deem “career worthy,” yet I managed to learn a lot during those years. Lessons that I would carry with me throughout my life. Well, to make a life long story short, at the age of 42, I finally met and married my husband and we now have a seven year old boy who, I’m sure, is the love of both of our lives… outside of each other, that is. I have the life now that I had envisioned for myself–34 years later! Ironically enough, I am a stay-at-home mom, but sadly looking for work at this time. Back in the seventies it was the accepted norm… and expected that women would have their babies and stay home. Now, after a couple of decades of women keeping their jobs after having babies, more women are returning back to the old ways of staying home with their broods.
I actually love being home. My son is going to school full-time and I do have the whole day to myself, basically, to do whatever I choose whether it be cleaning or just writing this blog. I volunteer at different places and last week I had that extra time to drive quite a ways to teach seniors how to crochet. If I had a nine to five, I definitely could not do that. I value my time and love to give it to volunteer where needed. I spend a lot of time doing research on autism since our son was diagnosed with it when he was six years old. However, I am in a position right now where we need me to go to back to work. I find myself at actually another fork in the road, mentally. I am loath to the idea for many reasons. One being I feel I need to be home for the “just in case” something happens in school and I need to be called. Huh? Yeah, this is not something that would happen on a regular basis, let alone a tremendous long shot of it happening even once. Another reason is that I am hating the corporate world right now and the devalued status of employees now-a-days, in general. Everyone is dispensable. Companies are almost looking for a reason to fire you almost as soon as they hire them. Get the job done for cheaper, and no employee is safe from being cut from the ranks. So this is the frame of mind I have right now concerning prospective employers. On the other side of the coin, I really need to chip in right now and find a job that brings in some money and we also desperately need medical insurance. This month, I’ve been putting in applications, taking online tests and what have . I don’t have the luxury right now to take a part-time job. DH is Still, waiting for his degree from which the graduation is listed as Jan. 20th 2013 on the university’s registrars’ web page. I know that we have not heard anything from the university, yet they have our money for graduation for over a semester now. grrrr, another tangent.
As I look at all these words, I realize that no matter how confident I think that I am, I have fear in me. My view of the working world out there is that they carry standards too high for me to live up to. A lot has changed since I was a young person out there in the real working world. A world that was and still is a very intimidating place. Inside me I know that I have a lot to give, but freak out while wondering what an employer will expect of me now, in this day and age where youth is celebrated over the older, more experienced person… especially a woman. I feel pressured to present myself in the youngest possible light and that is not so easy anymore. I have more aches and pains than when I was in my 20′s, 30′s, heck even 40′s. I have more outside-the-job responsibilities than I had back then, too. I now have a school aged child that needs me at home when he gets here. Back then, I could win an employer over with my receptivity of staying later than my quitting time. I always stayed until I got the job done. I just don’t have that freedom any longer. Ah so, I’ll have to close. I can ruminate about this all day, but I’ve got to let this go at some point.
Have a great day and keep warm!
- Sixteen Candles: Sage Advice for My Sixteen-Year-Old Self (offgothepanties.com)
- Daily Prompt: Sweet Sixteen (sousetoiles.wordpress.com)
- Daily Prompt: Sweet Sixteen When you were 16, what did you think your life would look like? Does it look like that? Is that a good thing? (tonyarai.wordpress.com)
- Sweet sixteen (laurieanichols.wordpress.com)
- Daily Prompt: Sweet Sixteen (allaboutjennifer.wordpress.com)
- Sweet Shallow Sixteen (grandmalin.wordpress.com)
- Sweet Sixteen and Rose-Colored Glasses (dianarasmussen.wordpress.com)
- Back to Work – How stay-at-home moms can get back in the career game (theinsider.retailmenot.com)
It's 11:50AM and I am expecting Gabriel to wake up from his nap any minute. Nothing out of the ordinary today; but later we will go shopping for a crib. Gabriel has almost outgrown his cradle, the one in Ed's family for a generation. All his brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews have been in it, and now, our son.
- 10 Things You May Not Have Known About Martin Luther King Jr. (jtm71.wordpress.com)
- Martin Luther King Jr. Assassination Investigation (garyrevel.wordpress.com)